


I havent felt right since the moment I gave up

by BurnInFlames



Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Best Friends to Lovers, Bipolar Ian, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Humor, M/M, Not Canon Compliant
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-17
Updated: 2016-11-03
Packaged: 2018-08-23 01:03:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 24,641
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8307826
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BurnInFlames/pseuds/BurnInFlames
Summary: Mickey spent his whole life running and he is still running even after Terry has been dead for years. Ian and Mickey are best friends that know each other from Southside and from the gay bars.  Ian realizes Mickey is the only guy to accept him for who he is and doesnt give a shit about his disorder. When things develop between them despite Mickey saying he doesnt do relationship Ian wants more than just friendship when he falls for his best friend. Ian's world comes crashing down when he finds out Mickey is leaving but not for the reasons Mickey leads him to believe. When Mandy reveals Mickey is running from something Mickey is forced to come clean to Ian with the truth and is also forced to make a choice that will change everything for him and Ian.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Just another little short story from me, 5 chapters in this one because I don't have it in me to do another long story after the one I just finished. It took a lot out of me mentally that one so I am doing a smaller one this time.
> 
> Anyone still watching Shameless even just the Ian scenes. All I can say is I miss Mickey a lot and Mandy isn't far behind either.

Mickey sat at one of the small corner booths in the bar silently watching the weekend crowd fill up the room as he drank his beer in the corner. He saw Ian wasnt behind the bar but he knew Ian wasnt working tonight as it was his night off and he was also at Fiona's for her birthday party but Mickey still came down to the bar anyway not sure what he was trying to escape from for the night.

He had been friends with Ian for years and they only really got to know each other a few years ago when they ran into each other one night at this very bar where Ian worked. After they agreed to keep each other's secret they slowly became friends despite Mickey pushing Ian away in the early days of their friendship. But Ian was persistant and didnt let that put him off and for that reason alone Mickey knew he liked Ian a lot more than a friend should but he also knew those feelings would never be returned.

Mickey took another drink of his beer wishing he never came down here now but he couldnt go to Ian's apartment since he wasnt home so he decided to text Ian to come down to the bar because he was sick of being alone. He was also annoyed with himself because Ian had asked him days ago to go with him to Fiona's tonight but Mickey decided not to because it felt weird for reasons that he didnt know why it was weird.

He just didnt think he could be around Ian for a long period of time and not be able to touch him the way he wanted to, he didnt want to be friends with Ian, he wanted more but he knew it would never happen. He also knew it would never happen since he was leaving Chicago soon and he was putting off telling Ian he was leaving. But he thought about putting himself out of his misery and asking Ian out but he knew it would never happen since he wasnt good enough for Ian so it was more of a reason to leave Chicago.

He also didnt really know why he was leaving and he knew Ian would have questions that Mickey didnt know the answer to, just that he had to get away from this place. He figured it was probably half the reason he kept Ian at a distance so it would hurt less when he left Chicago in a few weeks. He knew Ian wouldnt want him to go but he didnt know how to tell his friend that he felt there was nothing for him here anymore.

He didnt know how to tell Ian he just felt dead inside all the time and had for a long while. Mickey just felt like had nothing to live for anymore and that seeing Ian everyday was something for him to hold on to and help him get through the days of feeling empty inside. Mickey knew if it wasnt for Ian he would already be long gone as he was only staying around for Ian but Ian didnt want him as more than a friend.

 

* * *

 

 

Ian sat at the table in the kitchen of his sister Fiona's house for her birthday drinking from a bottle of beer. He decided he had enough and decided to go back home to his small apartment where he was now living on the Northside since he got a good job at a bar a year ago. As he looked around the room overhearing the couples in the room gush about how happy they were he wondered why he was still alone. He hated being alone and the one night stands he bought home from his job at the gay club he worked at werent what he wanted anymore.

As he listened to Fiona's friends talk about their relationships he realized he wanted something meaningful. He wanted someone that didnt give a shit about his disorder and he knew his disorder was the big reason keeping him from getting close to anyone. Ian had been stable since he was eighteen and now two years later he was still afraid of that judgment for a disorder he never asked for at all.

He had disclosed that information to a few people that he thought could be more than friends over the the last two years but they ran for the hills when they knew the truth. The only one that didnt run for the hills at the word bipolar was Mickey and Ian really hated that he had a huge crush on his friend. He also knew his friend didnt do relationships for whatever reason Mickey didnt want to share and Ian never asked either.

After he learned that about his friend Ian had resigned himself to being alone, the rejection hurt too much but now he was just fed up of being alone and he didnt like anyone enough to open up his heart for a relationship so he stuck to one night stands. Ian decided he had enough and walked over to Fiona and tapped her on the shoulder with his hand and when she looked at him he told her "I'm going head home" firmly.

Fiona looked surprised blurting "already, you okay" firmly. Ian shook his head forcing out a smile replying "yeah I am, just tired" softly. Fiona bought his lie as she tightly hugged him replying "well thanks for coming down here" firmly. Ian hugged her back before letting her go replying "yeah" softly before he left the house and made his way back home to his apartment. When Ian got back to the Northside his phone buzzed in his pocket and when he looked at it he saw it was a message from Mickey telling him he was at the bar. Ian didnt want to go home right now as home felt too suffocating and it was a reminder that he was all alone and no one wanted him at all so he went to meet Mickey.

 

* * *

 

 

Ian walked into the bar almost hating that it was busy as he wasnt in the mood for this as he noticed Mickey sitting at one of the booths in the corner looking more and more pissed off by the second. Ian stood at the bar and ordered some drinks when he noticed the reason for Mickey looking pissed off sitting at the table too and Ian slightly laughed at the sight of some guy hitting on his friend.

Ian had seen this guy around a few times and the guy wouldnt leave Mickey alone even after Mickey made it clear even with threats of bodily harm that he wasnt interested. Ian paid for the drinks deciding to put his friend out of his misery before Mickey snapped and broke some bones. As Mickey listened to the guy drone on and on he wished Ian would hurry the fuck up and get here sooner.

The reason he sat in one of the corners beside a pillar was so he couldnt be seen and be left alone but of course this asshole had to spot him and took it as a sign that he could come over and bother him for the night. Mickey gripped the bottle of beer in his hand feigning uninterest thinking this guy was clueless and was about to tell him to fuck off before he broke his hand when a voice interruped "youre in my seat" icily.

Mickey knew that voice straight away and bit his lip holding back a laugh as he looked up to see Ian towering over the guy sitting in front of him so Mickey just sat back in his seat with a smirk thinking his whole night just got more fun. He didnt know what it was about Ian when he got like this but quickly pushed away the thought that it was jealousy because he knew there was no way Ian would be jealous at all.

What Mickey didnt know was that Ian was jealous and he didnt like the guy at all. Ian glared at he guy hissing "get the fuck out of my seat" angrily. Mickey slightly laughed again taking a drink of his beer keeping his eyes on Ian even as the guy sitting across from him looked between them both wondering what was going on. They guy squeaked "what, why" in confusion.

Mickey shrugged his shoulders still looking at Ian with amusment written all over his face even when Ian looked at straight at him with annoyance all over his face. Ian looked away from Mickey to the guy sitting in the seat snapping "that's my fucking boyfriend asshole" icily. Mickey bit his lip to stop himself from laughing slightly shaking his head in disblief at Ian's antics knowing he did the same for Ian when they got unwanted attention.

The guy wasnt believing it so looked between them and when he saw the way they were glaring at each other he quickly got up and almost ran away from the table as Ian shouted after him "get the fuck out of here" loudly. Ian sat down in the seat across from Mickey where they silently looked at each other before laughing as Mickey shook his head in disbelief. They quietened down before Mickey rubbed his face with his hand blurting out "thought the guy was going to get his hand broken" humouredly.

Ian rolled his eyes replying "yeah well he was in my seat" lightly not adding I just didnt like that he was talking to you. Ian took a drink of his beer before looking over his shoulder to see the guy was talking to someone else before he softly smiled at Mickey blurting out "think he got the message" lightly. Mickey rolled his eyes leaning back in his seat looking at Ian replying "yeah he fucking better, nearly punched the fucking asshole" icily.

Ian slightly shook his head looking back down at his hands wrapped around his beer blurting out before he could stop it "cant believe that guy thought he had a chance" humouredly. Mickey faltered a little wondering what Ian meant by that but ignored the thought replying "yeah, fucker perved on me in the toilets a while ago" icily. Ian looked up at him muttering "fucking asshole" angrily. Ian got up to sit beside Mickey who looked at Ian asking "going to beat him up for me" curiously.

Ian lightly nudged his friend with his shoulder trying to hide the smile on his face replying "like fuck, I know you can take care of yourself" firmly. Mickey shook his head letting a smile form on his face looking at Ian sniggering "sure" before taking a drink of his beer. Ian rolled his eyes muttering "whatever" as he took drink from the bottle. They fell into a comfortable silence before Mickey asked "so how was Fiona's" curiously.

Ian shrugged his shoulder looking at the table replying "it was okay, left early and came here when I got your message" softly. Mickey felt like shit asking Ian to come here when he obviously wanted to go home as he bit his lip nudging Ian's leg with his foot blurting out "sorry for dragging you here but uh, you going to stay or go" curiously not adding dont have to stay for me.

Ian tightly smiled still looking at his beer replying "I was going to go home but I'd rather be here with you, will only think about shit if I go home" firmly. Mickey shook his head feeling relief wash through him hesitantly asking "so uh...you want to get a beer and some shots with me" lightly. Ian looked up noticing Mickey's nervousness replying "yeah but you know those meds make me a lightweight" softly.

Mickey grinned at him replying "good answer and anyway I'll carry your ass home, always do dont I" lightly. Ian rolled his eyes replying "yeah but you'll be drunk too" softly knowing it was true. Mickey grabbed Ian's leg under the table replying "give you a free ride on my back" humouredly. Ian almost choked on his beer at the innuendo before laughing and lightly punched Mickey on the shoulder replying "shut the fuck up" humouredly.

Mickey scoffed retorting "youre the one with the dirty mind Red not me" before walking away from the table and when he looked back over his shoulder he swore Ian was looking at him but he put it down to just too much beer already but he knew that was a lie. As Ian watched Mickey walk towards the bar he thought Mickey looked over his shoulder but he didnt think his friend noticed that he was looking at him with nothing but want in his eyes. Ian also knew that it would never happen so he ignored the fact that Mickey was looking at him too.

A few hours later they were both drunk and sitting sideways in the booth they were still sitting in with a table full of empty bottles and shot glasses along with freshly bought drinks. Ian ran a hand through his hair feeling relaxed as the alcohol coursed through him and he knew he would pay for it tomorrow but right now he didnt care not with the way Mickey kept looking at him all night.

Ian looked back over at Mickey who was leaning into him asking "so youre telling me not one guy in this shithole interests you" curiously. Ian snorted replying "fuck no" waving a hand in the air. Mickey laughed grabbing Ian's hand pulling it down replying "why, I mean they're all assholes but why" lightly. Ian looked down at his hand in Mickey's mumbling "I dont know" softly.

Mickey heard it rolling his eyes still holding Ian's hand asking "come on tell me" pleadingly. Ian shrugged not able to hold it back "you know why, they dont want the crazy, they cant handle the crazy, all they see is bipolar" icily. Mickey moved closer to Ian so his chest was touching Ian's shoulder replying "your not crazy Ian, I mean it" firmly not hiding just how much he meant those words. Ian moved his head only realizing how close Mickey was to him as wondered that was why he felt so warm all night replying "your the only one that thinks so" softly as let the words sink into his head.

Mickey looked over Ian's face thinking he was so close but so far away at the same time and couldnt stop himself from smiling "well they dont know you like I do" quietly as he rested his head against the back of the seat. Ian softly smiled while moving closer to Mickey in his seat and slouched down a little as he drank some of his beer knowing that Mickey had a good point.

Ian stared across the room when he felt Mickey take the bottle out of his hand and drink some of the beer and looked over asking "so same question for you, what's your excuse, lets hear it Milkovich" teasingly. Mickey groaned before grabbing two shots off the table and handed one to Ian and they tossed them back before Mickey put the empty glasses on the table before looking at Ian replying "you know why, dont do relationships, why complicate shit" softly.

Ian wanted to say no I dont know why because you wont give me a good reason instead replying "fair point" softly. What Ian didnt know was that Mickey wanted to say was because there is a red head sitting in front of me that has all of my attention and he keeps giving me mixed signals. Mickey was frustrated by Ian and he hated being this close to Ian and not being able to do anything about it especially when Ian had his hand on his leg but Mickey didnt have it in him to push Ian away because he wanted Ian near him all the time.

Mickey looked around the room noticing it was getting quieter which meant the bar would closing soon and Mickey was suprised at how quickly time had passed since Ian got here hours ago. He looked over at Ian and pushed against him and when Ian looked at him he blurted out "I'm glad you came down here Ian" firmly. Ian grinned and it felt real replying "yeah me too" and Ian knew he wasnt lying.

Another comfortable silence fell and Ian couldnt look away especially when he saw Mickey looking at him all over and it made Ian want to take a risk. Mickey was almost melting under Ian's stare and he decided he was going for it grabbing the back of Ian's neck and kissing the red head who just pulled Mickey closer to him despite the awkward sitting position both of them just getting lost in each other.

Mickey couldnt believe Ian was kissing him back but he didnt care as he ran one hand across Ian's spine and ribs before resting it on his hip wishing they were in a room alone together and that thought made him let out a groan into Ian's mouth. Ian just gripped Mickey's side tighter hoping this wasnt a dream because he never thought Mickey would ever be interested him but it looked like he was wrong.

Mickey didnt know what made him put himself out there in front of Ian but with the way Ian was kissing him back it made him regret not making a move before tonight. Mickey lightly tugged Ian's hair with his hand looking at him asking "so uh want to get out of here" not hiding the want in his voice. Ian silently looked at Mickey resting his hand along Mickey's ribs before replying "yeah lets go home to my place" softly. Mickey slightly laughed letting out "lead the way" lightly. Ian grinned and kissed him again before grabbing Mickey's hand and they left the club for Ian's apartment.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know these chapters are very rushed but its very loosely based on a film I saw a while ago. I didn't bother mentioning that because its not even following the film with the exception of the bit where Mandy tells Mickey he wont leave Chicago. If youre interested about the film its a gay film called 'weekend', I thought it was okay but it could have been better and it also didn't have a happy ending which sucked.
> 
> _________________

Mickey didnt know what to do now that he woke up with Ian tightly wrapped around him facing the wall in Ian's bed. Mickey rubbed the sleep out his eyes with his fingers as he pushed back into Ian a little almost smiling when Ian just tightened his hold on him not that Mickey had any complaints. He was quite warm and comfortable right now even though the new development in whatever this was between them now left him unsure as of what to do about the other situation.

Mickey rubbed his hand on Ian's arm asking "you awake" lightly. There was no answer so he knew Ian was still asleep as he felt Ian's breath fan out across the back of his neck. Mickey didnt know how to tell Ian he was moving to New York soon but he knew it was better to do it sooner rather than later but he just didnt know where to start. He wasnt even sure if he wanted to go anymore after what happened between him and Ian the other night at the bar and they still hadnt left Ian's bed only to get food or go to work.

Mickey really tried to tell Ian he was leaving but something in his mind told him this was much more than just some random one night thing with a person and he hated himself for stringing Ian along. In his stupid state of drunkeness he gave in to what he wanted more than anything not caring about the consequences and he hated that he was going to hurt Ian of all people over his own stupidity.

But Mickey found he didnt regret a single thing since that night and in no way did he regret making a move on Ian and he knew he never would regret it. He was just suprised Ian returned the same feelings that he had for Ian. He was expecting Ian to reject him in some way and he was prepared for that to happen but he wasnt expecting for Ian to not push him away.

Mickey knew he liked Ian a lot since they had first met and taking a chance with Ian was the last thing he wanted to do before he left Chicago even if he got his heart trampled into the ground because it meant he knew for sure that Ian wasnt interested. But since that night a week ago when Mickey realized Ian was interested he wasnt sure if he wanted to leave anymore and he hated himself for fucking everything up yet once again.

Because now it looked like Ian liked him back since he hadnt left the apartment since that night he came back here with Ian. The only reason he was leaving was because he was sick of this place, he hated it and he hated that the ghost of his father was still haunting him on every corner of this horrible place. He just felt like an outsider in his own home and felt like he didnt belong anywhere and just accepted he was fucked for life.

He knew the real answer to Ian's question of why he didnt want anyone or want a relationship even as he brushed Ian off with another answer and he knew Ian knew he was just avoiding answering the question. He didnt want a relationship because he was afraid once someone got to know him they would hate what they saw and leave and he couldnt handle that if it happened.

He was afraid that if people looked too closely they wouldnt like what they saw and hate him for it and tell him he wasnt good enough for them and that they could do better. Mickey knew it was a weak excuse but they were just fears ingrained so deeply in him that he wasnt sure how they got there in the first place. But he had a feeling Terry may have had something with him feeling so shit about himself all the time.

All Mickey could ever remember of Terry was that he was always telling him he wasnt good enough, no one would want him, that even his own father didnt want him at all and wished he was dead because he was a waste of oxygen. Mickey just never felt good enough, didnt matter how much he did for Terry because Terry would still look at him with pure hatred in his eyes and Mickey knew he would never get that approval because he was meant to be hated.

Mickey was broken from his thoughts when he felt Ian move behind him and he knew Ian was awake especially when Ian lightly rubbed his hand over his chest and stomach and pulled them closer together even though there was no space left between them in the bed. Mickey rubbed the sting of tears out of his eyes with his fingers pushing away those horrible thoughts from his mind choosing to focus on Ian as he turned around to be met with Ian softly kissing him on the lips mumbling "good sleep" sleepily.

Mickey softly laughed wrapping his arms around Ian replying "yeah" resting his forehead against Ian's. Ian pushed himself right up against Mickey replying "good so did I" softly. As Mickey watched Ian let his eyes close and let out a content sigh Mickey realized he couldnt do it, he couldnt ruin it all just yet. He knew Ian would throw him out and never talk to him again and Mickey didnt want that to happen so he held on for a little longer knowing this right here would never happen to him again and wanted a little more time to take it all in.

Ian felt Mickey tense up in his arms and knew something was wrong opening his eyes to look at his friend asking "what's wrong" in a concerned tone. Mickey's mouth went dry hating that there was his bubble popped for good and too soon for his own liking but he figured he might as well get it over and done with now. Ian looked at Mickey as a silence filled the room and he knew Mickey wanted to say something keeping his arms tightly wrapped around Mickey's back asking "tell me" softly.

Mickey bit his lip a little more while lightly rubbing his hand on Ian's ribs under the covers knowing Ian needed to know the truth stumbling over the words "I'm leaving Chicago for New York in a month" in a whisper. Ian let his jaw drop hating that this was happening, he hated that the one guy he wanted a relationship with was leaving and it showed on his face too.

Mickey noticed it and he also hated that he was leaving town just as he found a guy he wanted to start things up with, he wanted more with Ian and it was just his luck that he was leaving town in a few weeks. Mickey let out a tense sigh "just thought you should know" softly. Ian looked down hiding the hurt on his face slightly shaking his head replying "yeah" in a whisper almost wishing Mickey never said a word.

Mickey grabbed Ian's face in his hand forcing the red head to look at him before replying "we still got a month so lets just enjoy it" softly. Ian remained silent knowing Mickey had a point and he didnt want to fight either replying "yeah" firmly. Mickey still felt like shit hesitating "I had this planned months ago long before this thing with us started up" firmly.

Ian could see Mickey meant it replying "I know" before hesitating and asked "can I ask why your leaving "curiously. Mickey faltered a little not able to talk about how he weak he really was replying "going to see what's out there, more to life than Southside" not adding he was sick of the ghost of Terry haunting him too. Mickey didnt tell Ian he was leaving because everywhere he looked all he saw was ghosts, he didnt want Ian to see how broken he was inside and he running from himself too.

Ian's phone beeped and he remembered it was time for his meds but he ignored it deciding Mickey was more important right now. Ian remembered the first time he told Mickey about his disorder and Monica one night when they were watching movies in his apartment. Ian thought Mickey would tell him he couldnt deal with that and leave but instead he told Ian he didnt care because they were still friends and Ian just wished other guys were like his friend.

When Ian told him it was normally a deal breaker with guys Mickey took his hand and told him that those guys werent worth his time. Ian shook himself from his thoughts and looked at his friend hesitantly blurting out "just because youre going to New York doesnt mean I cant visit right" shyly hoping Mickey would want him to visit. Mickey bit down a grin replying "fuck no, youre not getting rid of me so easily" happily.

Ian softly laughed lightly pushing against Mickey with his body replying "good" almost letting out a sigh of relief. They fell into a comfortable silence before Mickey softly asked "you want to come with me to Mandy's party later" shyly. Ian grinned replying "yeah I'd love to" softly. Mickey bit back a smile quickly replying "good" firmly.

 

* * *

 

 

They got to Mandy's party in the Milkovich house and Ian was talking to Mandy who he hadnt seen in months as he discreetly looked over to the other side of the room where Mickey was talking to his brother. Ian wished Mickey wasnt leaving and he almost wanted to ask him to stay but Ian wasnt that selfish and he knew Mickey would probably still leave anyway since his mind was made up so Ian remained silent. It was a few hours into the party and she couldnt hide it anymore as she scoffed replying "I know that look, you got it bad Ian, youve been looking at him for hours but you do know he's leaving right" warily.

Ian shook himself out of his thoughts looking at Mandy replying "yeah, said he wants to see outside of Chicago" lightly. Mandy glared at him drinking some of her beer before replying "fuck no he doesnt, you know me and Iggy think he wont do it" firmly. Ian frowned a little asking "why" curiously. Mandy scoffed replying "because he isnt leaving for the right reasons" firmly.

Ian was confused asking "what do you mean" softly. Mandy bitterly laughed asking "fuck he didnt even tell you the truth, fucking asshole" icily. Ian stepped a little closer not able to hide his confusion asking "what do you mean" firmly. Mandy rolled her eyes "he isnt leaving to see New York, he's fucking running like he always does" angrily. Ian gripped the bottle of beer in hand tighter glaring at Mandy asking "why would he be running " firmly thinking she was lying.

Mandy bitterly laughed and was about to say why when she interruped with "shut the fuck up Mandy" angrily. They both looked over to see Mickey standing beside them glaring at them and Ian wondered how much he heard replying "shit, I'm sorry Mickey" firmly. Mickey ignored him instead glaring his sister adding "its not your fucking business" icily. Mandy shook her head sneering at him "youre a fucking coward, Terry is dead years and your still fucking running, you cant even see what's right in front of you can you" angrily.

Mandy could tell from the second Ian showed up at the party that Ian liked her brother a lot more than he let her think and she hated that her idiot brother was still running from his past. She hated that Mickey couldnt see what was right in front of him and that he couldnt see that Ian liked him a lot. But she also thought that Mickey probably knew Ian liked him and was still leaving for reasons that she thought was bullshit.

Mickey wasnt having it rubbing his eyes with his fingers almost snarling "I'm not a fucking coward" icily. Mandy was angry now standing up straighter glaring at her brother "you even tell Ian why youre really leaving, you know he likes you right, fucker wont stop looking at you since he got here" firmly. Ian swallowed the lump in his throat warily looking between the two siblings knowing this argument was about to explode into a fight.

Ian also knew that Mandy didnt know that he and Mickey were sleeping together quite reguarly now and he hoped she wouldnt say something to ruin it all. Mickey glared at the floor to afraid to look up at Ian after Mandy's words knowing that he liked Ian too but he was too afraid to tell Ian the real reason why he was leaving. In a way he knew he still wasnt over it, he was still trumatized, still had nightmares and he hated that Mandy just expected him to get over it.

Mickey was a mixture of drunk and high from the weed he just shared with his brother and he wasnt in the mood to talk about this right now with Ian especially with his sister standing in front of them making him out to be a coward and a liar. Ian stepped a little closer to Mickey resting his hand on his shoulder telling him "its fine, you dont have to tell me" firmly.

Mandy scoffed "I fucking will" icily. Mickey glared at her snarling "no you fucking wont, stay out of my fucking business" angrily. Ian looked at Mandy replying "he's right, its not your place to tell me so its okay, if he doesnt want to tell me its fine" firmly even though he was curious to know the truth right now. Mickey had enough and felt like he couldnt breathe shaking his head angrily spitting out "should never have come here, stay the fuck away from me Mandy" icily before he stormed out of the house.

Mandy watched him leave letting out a bitter scoff as she drank her beer. Ian felt really uncomfortable as he ran a hand through his hair looking around the room before looking at Mandy blurting out "I should go" softly. Mandy smirked at him slightly raising her eyebrow replying "if you need to" lightly. Ian softly smiled looking down at the ground shifting on his feet before looking up at her replying "it was good seeing you Mandy" firmly. Mandy softly smirked replying "good to see you too" firmly. Ian remained silent as he left the house wondering what the whole argument was about and where he would find Mickey.

He stepped outside and saw Mickey leaning against the fence beside the gate and walked over to him and stood in front of him to see Mickey staring off into space and he knew Mandy's words hit a nerve. Ian stepped a little closer to Mickey lightly touching his arm asking "you okay" softly. It was enough to shake Mickey out of his thoughts as he looked at Ian letting out a shaky breath blinking back the tears that formed in his eyes hating that Mandy was right, he was coward and he was running and fuck it all because he liked Ian too.

Mickey silently looked up and down the dark quiet street before looking at Ian and stepped closer to him wrapping his hands around Ian's lower back and softly kissing him on the lips letting Ian know just how much he needed him in that moment. Ian kissed him back wrapping his arms around Mickey hugging him tightly before asking "you want to come back home with me" curiously. Mickey rested his forehead against Ian's while hugging him tightly and looked at him silently knowing he just wanted to be with Ian right now.

Mickey took a deep breath wondering when did it all get so fucked up, why did all of this with Ian have to happen right now just as he finally plucked up the courage to get out of this shithole of a town. They both vaugely heard someone shouting faggot in the background and they both raised their middle fingers in the direction of where the voice came from as Mickey wetly blurted out "its all fucked up" not able to hide the emotion in his voice.

Ian pulled him closer resting his chin on top of Mickey head replying "I know" softly. They stood there in silence on the footpath vaugely hearing the music from the party leaking from the house before Ian looked at Mickey telling him "come on lets get out of here" firmly. Mickey sniffed and rubbed his eyes with his fingers looking at the ground mumbling "yeah" softly.

Mickey wished he never came back to this house but he had nowhere else to go as he walked side by side with Ian in comfortable silence all the way back to Ian's apartment. He didnt even flinch when he felt Ian throw his arm over his shoulder but instead he just leaned into it pressing right up against Ian's side not able to say anything at all right now. When they got back to Ian's apartment and locked the door behind them Mickey pushed Ian up against the door as he kissed him while pushing his body against Ian before looking at him blurting out before he could stop it "I need you Ian" hating that he sounded so insecure.

Ian didnt say anything but shook his head understanding where Mickey was coming from and knowing what he needed as he ran his hands over Mickey's arms looking at him replying "I know" before grabbing his hand and leading them to his bedroom and shut the door behind them for the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The reason I didn't stick to the film was because one of the main characters talks or more argues all the time about heteronormativity and straight privilege and Mickey and Ian wouldn't know about these things or at least I don't think they would, the might have an idea of everything being easier for straight people but I don't think they would know the terms I mentioned. I know I didn't know about them until I went to college.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not much interaction in this, just Mickey's internal monologue and thoughts.

Mickey woke up in Ian's bed feeling too warm under the covers completely wrapped up in Ian's arms as he blinked against the brightness of the room as the sun shone in through the curtains. He let out a sleepy sigh of content pushing back into Ian while pulling the covers up to under his chin. He lightly smiled to himself as he felt Ian tighten his grip on him mumbling "dont leave" softly.

Mickey rolled his eyes blurting out "I'm not" while resting his hand over Ian's realizing he was having second thoughts about leaving for New York and those thoughts were growing stronger as the minutes passed. It had been a week since Mandy called him out for the reason as to why he was leaving Southside and he still hadn't been back at the Milkovich house.

He had been staying with Ian both of them getting lost in a world of their own with just talking, watching movies, eating and having sex with weed and beer on the side. The more Mickey talked to Ian he realized he was falling fast for Ian and that thought scared the shit out him a lot especially when Ian had admitted two nights ago that he really liked him a lot more than a friend.

That admission just made Mickey realize he liked Ian a lot more than a friend too and he wondered if Mandy was right in what she said about him running because he was scared. But he was also scared if Ian knew the truth then Ian wouldnt want anything to do with him but he knew by not telling Ian it would just push the red head away which was the last thing Mickey wanted.

He felt like he was stuck in a no win situation as a small whisper in his mind told him Mandy was right, he was a coward who was afraid of his feelings and the ghost of Terry still haunted him all the time. But at the same time he wanted Ian to know and he knew Mandy would have told him at the party if he hadnt stopped her in time and he really hated that she didnt know how to mind her own business.

That night he didnt even know Mandy was talking to Ian until Iggy pointed out to him in a joking manner that Mandy was talking to his boyfriend and telling him scare stories. When Mickey looked over he saw Mandy getting serious and walked over to Ian hearing the tail end of Mandy telling Ian that his boyfriend was a coward. Mickey hated that Mandy would willingly cross that line and tell a secret that wasnt her right to tell in the first place.

But Mickey knew that Ian wanted to know despite the fact that Ian never asked or pushed to know which made Mickey glad that Ian knew when to back off. But a part of him wondered did Ian really want to know or would he even care at all if he knew the truth and there was another part of him that wanted to put himself out of his misery and tell Ian the truth. Mickey stared at the door of Ian's room vaguely feeling Ian's hand lightly run across his stomach and kiss the back of his neck as Mickey got lost in the whirlwind of thoughts in his mind.

Mickey didnt know when he had given up on life and given up on anything good ever happening to him because he felt like he was too worthless for it to happen to a Milkovich of all people. He realized Mandy was right and that he was running away because he was scared. He was scared because he was afraid his father could still get to him even though there was no chance since Terry was dead for years.

But he was also tired of being scared of a ghost that wasnt even real and could no longer hurt him anymore and he just felt trapped and saw no way out of it and he didnt even know where to start on getting rid of the shit in his head. As Mickey felt Ian run his hands all over him and lightly leave kisses on the back of his neck and shoulders he wondered if he knew what he was doing anymore.

Mickey was broken from his thoughts when he felt Ian grab his shoulder and push him onto his back and lie on top of him resting his elbows each side of his head looking down at him with a smirk mumbling "yeah knew you werent asleep" humouredly. Mickey rolled his eyes slightly laughing as the worries in his head faded away at the sight of Ian looking at him with a grin on his face and he realized he could look at that face forever.

Mickey rested his hands on Ian's hips moving so Ian was lying between his legs noticing the way Ian bit his lip before looking at Ian with a smirk of his own replying "didnt exactly let me sleep did you" humouredly not wanting to tell the truth about what he had been thinking over in his head. He didnt want to bother Ian with that shit and he didnt want to think about the fact he was leaving in a few weeks and it was looking more and more like he didnt want to leave anymore.

But mostly he just wanted to enjoy the rest of his time with Ian knowing he would never have something like this ever again because he wasnt good enough for relationships. He didnt want to tell Ian how low he fallen, how he had given up on life and himself because he thought he would never be happy. Mickey didnt want to admit that there was a chance Terry knew he was gay and it was the reason his father hated him so much and made him feel so worthless.

The fact that Terry forced Mickey to go along on a gay bashing when he was a teenager made Mickey wonder if it was clear message from Terry of what would happen if Terry found out Mickey was gay. After that day Mickey just made sure he was buried in the closet and cautiously sneaking out to the gay bars every once in a while especially when Terry was jail which was quite often.

Growing up in the Milkovich house Mickey lived in permanent state of fear and keeping up a pretence of who his father thought he was and as a result of that Mickey just didnt know who he was anymore. He spent so long trying to be someone else that he lost himself piece by piece over the years until he couldnt recognize the person staring back at him in the mirror. Finally Terry's luck ran out a few years ago and he was killed in a prison as payback for some guy he ripped off on a deal some years back but the guy remembered and got his revenge.

When Mickey first heard the news he felt relieved then happy and then angry and went on a three day alcohol binge in the gay bars on the northside giving into his true nature while trying to get rid of the self hatred he didnt know he had towards himself or towards Terry for making hm hate himself so much. Ever since that day he had been angry and still was all these years later and he didnt know how to get past that resentment.

He was really trying to not hate himself and he finally accepted his sexuality but was left with a cold cynicism towards deciding that happiness was bullshit. That it was just an illusion that people used to delude themselves into thinking they were happy rather than face the truth of their own miserable existence. Mickey felt a little free at the realization but at same time it just made him feel so hopeless, bitter and resentful as each day passed until he met Ian when he went to the bar where Ian worked.

Mickey realized Ian was different, he was happy and laughed at everything and was always joking despite having his own shit to deal with like his disorder but Mickey knew Ian stiil had his down days. Mickey felt like Ian had awoken something inside of him he didnt know was there, he wanted Ian so much and now he was losing him again because of his stupid choice to run away to New York.

Mickey was broken from his thoughts when he felt Ian move to lie on his side deciding to give up on having his way with Mickey mumbling "okay what's wrong" curiously. Ian pushed himself against Mickey's side resting his hand along his ribs pulling them close together as Mickey rubbed his eyes with his fingers mumbling "nothing" lightly. Ian wasnt having it knowing something was wrong but decided not to push seeing the way Mickey looked ready to run away.

Mickey moved to lie on his side wrapping his arms around Ian looking at him realizing he couldnt lie blurting out "I cant talk about it right now, maybe one day but just" falling silent not knowing what to say. Ian looked at him feeling frustrated but instead blurted out "I get it" firmly. Mickey let out a small sigh of relief that Ian didnt push for answers because Mickey wasnt sure he could give them and he didnt want this thing with Ian to end before he had to leave in a few weeks.

Ian sat up lightly hitting Mickey's shoulder before crawling over him and got out of the bed "lets get something to eat and then go buy some food" as he pulled on some trousers and left the room. Mickey softly laughed knowing there was no food left shouting "we ate it all" loudly he followed Ian out of the room pulling on his jeans and joining Ian in the kitchen.

 

* * *

 

 

Mickey sat at the bar not seeing Ian anywhere but knowing he was somewhere as he was working so he just ordered a beer and thought over the fight with Mandy earlier in the day. He didnt get what her problem was, why couldnt she see he was trying but it was hard to move on from all the shit Terry put into his head. He hated that she told him to get over it because he couldnt get over it since it hurt too much and it controlled his every thought and decisions he made in his life.

But he knew she was right in that he didnt have to run anymore and if he was honest with himself he wasnt running from Terry, he had been running from himself for a long time. He bought into the lie that Terry told him he didnt deserve to be happy, that people like him didnt deserve to be happy and were nothing but garbage. But then he met Ian who just turned his world upside down and made him feel worth something to someone, he was someone to Ian and had been over the last few weeks.

He knew it because Ian didnt tell him to leave but that he wanted him to stay so Mickey stayed with Ian and let himself be happy for a change. But it scared him and it scared him even more that Ian made him feel this way which was why he was almost tempted to still go to New York. Mickey rubbed his face with his hand before taking a drink of his beer knowing he was running from Ian too as he thought of Mandy's question before he left the house.

She asked him was he not tired of running away all the time and as he looked around the room he thought she may have had a point considering that over the last week or so he was second guessing his decision to leave Chicago. He didnt even know what he was runnng from anymore and he just felt even more lost and confused as the war of leaving and not leaving raged in his brain.

He knew he didnt have anything lined up for him in New York as it was just a spur of the moment decision and see what happens when he gets there in a week or two. He never put much thought into leaving knowing he just felt trapped in this shithole of a place that was the Southside. Mickey thought if he ran away then all the problems in his head would dissappear and he would be okay again but he didnt ever remember feeling okay in his life.

So why did he feel that if he left Chicago there was a certain red head he would miss a lot and would regret leaving behind and with that thought he didnt know what to do anymore. Mickey let out a tense sigh wishing he never met Ian knowing he would long gone from Chicago by now and he was only really delaying leaving so he could spend more time with Ian before he left for good.

As the the days creeped closer to Mickey's leaving date he realized he kept delaying his departure and he knew it was to do with Ian and mentally hit himself for being an idiot. Mickey realized he was delaying leaving because he wanted to stay with Ian because he liked him a lot and he had a feeling that Ian wanted him around and liked him too.

Mickey was broken from his thoughts when he heard the clinking of empty glasses being dumped on the bar beside him and was about to tell the person to fuck off when he felt someone hug him from behind and he knew who it was straight away. He slightly laughed as Ian leaned against his back wrapping his arms across his chest mumbling "when did you get here" lightly.

Mickey grabbed Ian's arm with his hand leaning back into Ian replying "a while ago" firmly. Ian had noticed something was off with Mickey for the last few days but he never said anything as it never seemed to be the right time to bring up his questions. Ian knew he wanted to be more than just friends and he knew Mickey was leaving in a few weeks and he just hated the whole situation so he decided he would take whatever he could get even though he knew it would hurt in the end.

Ian let out a sigh resting his chin on Mickey's shoulder asking "where were you anyway" curiously. Mickey groaned at the thought replying "Mandy's, needed to get some clothes" lightly as he kicked at the bag on the floor. Ian looked down and grinned when he saw the bag asking "so you staying" not even trying to hide the happiness from his voice. Mickey bit down a smile replying "well you did say I could" lightly as he turned his seat around to face Ian.

Ian looked at Mickey replying "I know" hesitating as he added "just didnt think you would want to stay over" softly. Mickey heard it grabbing Ian by the hips and pulling him in between his legs looking at Ian replying "I do and you know I wouldnt if I didnt want to" firmly. Ian heard someone behind the bar calling him and rolled his eyes knowing he couldnt take another break muttering "got to go" grumpily.

Mickey laughed standing up and pulling Ian right up against him grabbing the back of his neck with his hand before kissing him at the bar. Ian wrapped his arms around his friend's lower back and kissed him back wishing he could just go home right now especially when Mickey rested his forehead against his own and looked right at him muttering "wish you didnt have to go back right now" not able to hide the lust in his voice.

Ian lightly groaned looking at his friend resting his hand on Mickey's ribs replying "I know, still got a few hours left" softly. Mickey grabbed Ian's hips again pushing himself right up against Ian whispering something in his ear before looking at Ian with a smirk on his face knowing he would regret saying what he did when he sobered up in the morning. But seeing the frustrated look on Ian's face was priceless so he didnt care especially when Ian pressed him right up against the bar and kissed him again before looking at him not hiding the want in his eyes before walking away and going back to work.

Mickey laughed to himself while sitting back down in his seat and drank his beer while looking at Ian every chance he got for the rest of the night. As the night wore on and the more he drank the more he realized he didnt want to leave anymore and he knew Ian was the main reason for him to not wanting to leave.

He also knew the reasons he was leaving were bullshit especially when everytime Ian walked past him he grinned at him or would always dump empty glasses he collected on the bar beside him so he could talk and flirt to Mickey some more as he worked. For the rest of Ian's shift Mickey just felt relaxed and dare he let himself think it, he actually felt happy and couldnt wait until Ian finished work and they both went back to his apartment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I leave it to your imagination what Mickey said to Ian.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah its looking like there will be 2 extra chapters to this story. I just kept writing and writing and ended up with more then I intended to write.

It was the end of another one of their movie marathons and they were sharing a joint on the sofa when Ian remembered something Mickey told him before they started whatever this was blurting out "so you really dont do relationships" curiously. Mickey sat on the sofa staring at the celing rubbing his face with hand feeling the effects of the weed and beer slightly wear off with Ian's question replying "when the fuck did I tell you that" lightly.

Ian laughed walking back over from the fridge and sat back down beside Mickey handing him the bottle of beer looking at him telling him "you were drunk one night a few months ago during one of my shifts at the bar, was supposed to cut you off but I didnt" humouredly. Mickey couldnt stop the small laugh falling out of his mouth along with "fuck you asshole" before he drank the beer hating his inability to shut up when he was drunk and high while around Ian.

Ian moved to sit sideways facing Mickey "I didnt ask then but I'm asking now because I'm curious" not adding I want a relationship with you but I am too afraid to ask. Mickey bit his lip slightly shaking his head slightly tilting his head to Ian but staring at the small table in front of them knowing Ian wouldnt let this go so easily. Mickey sighed as he picked at the label at the bottle forcing out the words "I dont know why and anyway I dont see you in a relationship" defensively.

Ian grunted mumbling "I told you why, the second a guy finds out I'm bipolar he runs for the hills since they cant deal with my crazy ass" icily. Mickey moved closer to Ian resting his hand on Ian's thigh looking at him replying "they arent worth your time and I told you that, youre better than them, they arent good enough for you and they dont deserve you and youre not crazy, not to me anyway" firmly.

Ian looked up at Mickey and saw the seriousness in his expression and knew he meant it blurting out without meaning to "youre the only one that accepts me, you dont give a shit, just my luck I find the guy I want and he doesnt do relationships and he's leaving too" lowly. Mickey felt like someone punched him in the chest not expecting those words to come from Ian, he thought they were just friends with benefits or some shit along with that Ian just thought of him as a friend until now.

Mickey hated himself because not only was he developing feelings for Ian, Ian was for him too and even worse Mickey was leaving for New York in a matter of days. He hated even more that the days and nights with Ian was going so fast he felt like time was running out because he was in too deep with Ian and he didnt even want to get out of whatever it was he had with Ian.

Even knowing all of this he couldnt stop himself blurting out "love is bullshit Ian, its just something someone uses to have some fucking hold over you, they use it to manipulate you, its why I dont do relationships" defensively but not sounding as convincing as he would have liked to have sounded. Ian didnt believe it letting out a scoff while staring at the floor "that's some lie you tell yourself, even you sound like you dont believe it" icily.

Mickey slammed the bottle down on the table retorting "dont act like you fucking know anything about me Ian" angrily. Ian shook his head clenching his fists in his lap looking over at Mickey replying " know enough since youve been here the night we left Mandy's, you cant tell me there isnt something we both know about each other, we didnt just fuck and get high all the time, we talked too, I remember what you told me" firmly.

Mickey leaned back on the sofa letting his head fall back so he stared at the ceiling knowing Ian wasnt wrong whispering "you dont get it" softly. Ian almost missed it but heard it clearly replying "so tell me what I dont get" as he sat up on the sofa to turn around to face Mickey. A silence fell as Mickey rubbed his eyes with his fingers figuring there was no point in lying anymore blurting out "I never thought I would ever get to have anything like this" tiredly.

Ian calmed down a little asking "why" lightly. Mickey bitterly scoffed "come the fuck on Ian you know who my dad was, I was in the closet until he got his ass killed and I decided fuck it, I'm not living my life being scared anymore" bitterly. Ian relaxed feeling the anger drain out of him as he moved a little closer to Mickey leaning sideways against the sofa asking "so why are you so afraid of relationships then" curiously.

Mickey frowned a little biting his lip before knowing he could always be honest with Ian blurting out "I dont know, guess I dont deserve it since I'm worthless and not good enough for anyone" not adding not good enough for you and he hated he wasnt able to hide the emotion in his voice. Ian moved closer inching his hand over on Mickey's leg and took a grip of his hand hating that Mickey didnt think he was worth anything at all.

Mickey pushed back the tears in his eyes with his fingers and cleared his throat as he felt Ian lightly squeeze his other hand that Ian was holding tightly. Mickey couldnt say anything as he replayed the awful days of growing up with Terry terrorizing everyone in the house. He realized Mandy was right in what she said but she didnt get that he was afraid to let himself be happy with another guy because he thought it would all come crashing down around him eventually.

He thought once the guy got too close to him he would hate what he saw and run for the hills. He realized Ian got right past all those walls and defences and still he didnt run because he didnt care what he saw and Mickey knew he only had himself to blame this time since it was him that was running away. Ian really hated that Mickey thought so little of himself replying "I dont think your worthless, just wish you werent leaving" firmly.

Mickey looked over at Ian and saw he meant it and he realized Mandy was right in that he was running away because he wouldnt let himself be happy all because he didnt want to end up getting hurt. They fell into a comfortable silence as Mickey rested his hand between Ian's thighs letting out a tense sigh that he didnt know he was holding as he let Ian's words settle into his mind.

The words felt weird because he never heard them before but coming from Ian they really meant a lot to him and he knew Ian well enough to know that he meant those words. Mickey didnt know what to do now and he was torn between wanting to stay with Ian or leave Chicago but the feeling of wanting to stay was growing stronger in him the more he spent time with Ian. But he didnt know if Ian wanted him to stay and he was too afraid to put himself out there because he wouldnt be able to handle the rejection if Ian turned him down which he thought was quite possible.

Mickey looked at Ian stumbling over the words "you really wish I wasnt leaving" shyly. Ian quickly nodded looking back at him replying "yeah I do" firmly. A silence fell before Ian blurted out "I finally meet a guy I like who doesnt give a shit about my disorder and he's leaving" sadly. Mickey sat closer to Ian grabbing his hand in his own looking at Ian replying "I'm not leaving because of you" softly.

Ian nodded knowing it was hard not to take it personally replying "I know" softly. Mickey sighed in frustration before standing up and walking over the window thinking Ian would get over him if he left but seeing the way Ian was looking at him with a sad expression right now he wasnt so sure Ian would forget about him so easily. Mickey almost rolled his eyes at the thought knowing if he left he wouldnt forget about Ian.

But that fear and worthlessness he felt was stronger and told him he was better off alone and that Ian was too good for him and could do better than him too. A few moments of silence had passed before Ian walked over to Mickey at the window resting his hand on his shoulder blurting out "I'm sorry for pushing" genuinely. Mickey slightly laughed turning around gripping Ian's sides with his hands replying "youre always pushing, pisses me off at times but its fine, you dont have to apologize" firmly.

Ian looked down at the ground nodding his head as he rested his hands on Mickey's hips when Mickey blurted out "I never told anyone that before, youre the only person I told about it, I mean Mandy likes to think she knows but I never talked about it with her" softly. Ian felt warm at the thought that Mickey told him something personal as he looked up replying "you can talk to me about anything" firmly.

A few seconds passed before Mickey decided to just say it blurting out "a while before Terry landed in jail and got killed he forced me along with him on a gay bashing, he put the guy in a coma" softly. Ian froze not knowing what to say but stepped closer to Mickey still holding his hand as Mickey looked at the floor adding "Terry hated me, think he knew I was gay and that bashing was meant to send a message" icily.

Mickey looked off to the side angrily spitting out "if it was then it was message fucking received" coldly. Ian wasnt having it wrapping his arms around his friend replying "he's dead so he cant hurt you now" softly. Mickey hugged Ian back tightly wrapping his arms around him and resting his forehead on Ian's shoulder trying but failing to stop himself from shaking and pushing the tears back that formed in his eyes not able to hide the sadness in his voice whispering "Mandy doesnt know that, I never told her" sadly.

Ian rubbed his hand up and down Mickey's back whispering "he cant hurt you now" softly. Mickey rubbed his face in Ian's neck pressing himself right up against Ian wishing he could believe that even as Ian whispered "thank you for telling me" softly. Mickey rolled his eyes before looking at Ian replying "I wouldnt have told you if I didnt want to" softly. Mickey grabbed Ian's hips with his hand pulling himself closer to him deciding he couldnt lie to himself anymore as he looked at Ian "we've been friends for months and I trust you especially since I've been staying here with you, I like you a lot more than just a friend" firmly.

Ian softly grinned not looking away replying "same here" not hiding how happy he was at that admission. Mickey bit his lip replying "liked you even more when you scared that asshole off at the bar that night" lightly. Ian scoffed blurting out without meaning to replying "fucker went after what's mine, couldnt have that" lightly. Mickey softly laughed and Ian groaned feeling really embarrassed at having said that and looked down at his feet shaking his head in disbelief at his own words.

Mickey wrapped his arms around Ian's lower back replying "werent meant to say that at all were you" lightly. Ian buried his face in Mickey's shoulder mumbling "fuck off" deciding to keep his mouth shut before he embarrassed himself further. Mickey slid his hands under Ian's tshirt needing to feel the warm skin on his hands and when Ian looked at him he mumbled "so I'm yours am I, what makes you think youre not mine" curiously and not adding I dont want to go to New York.

Ian groaned and decided Mickey needed to shut up so pushed him against the wall by the window and kissed him as a distraction and Mickey knew he won that argument.

They were eating some food on the sofa when Ian blurted out "I dont think youre worthless, your my best and only friend and I'd never hurt you intentionally anyway" softly. Mickey almost sighed hating they were back to this again as he looked at Ian replying "I know you would but its not why I dont want to be in a relationship" softly.

Ian looked over at him deciding he couldnt lie anymore not hiding the hurt in his voice "so is it just me you dont want to be in one with, we both admitted we like each other" shyly. Mickey wasnt hungry anymore and put his nearly empty plate on the table in front of them before replying "I like you a lot Ian and I want to be in one with you so much" not knowing what else to say that didnt make him sound like an asshole.

Ian slightly shook his head putting his now empty plate on the table replying "so what are you so afraid of" curiously. Mickey hated that those words sound like Mandy's when she called him a coward and he realized she was right, he was running and he was a coward but not for the reasons she thought as he snapped "because I'm scared of fucking losing you, I'm scared what Terry did to that guy will happen to you and I dont fucking want that" loudly.

Ian swallowed the lump in his throat not able to look away from the intense look from Mickey who snapped not able to stop the words tumbling out of his mouth "I've been told my whole life I'm worthless, not good enough for anyone and dont deserve to be loved, that I'm just a useless piece of shit, you really think I'm going to let anyone get close enough to realize they hate what they see and leave, I cant go fucking through it Ian and the sooner you realize I'm not worth it the better off you'll be" softly.

Ian shook his head in understanding and moved closer knowing it needed to be said "I dont agree with any of that but you cant live in fear for the rest of your life, youre letting Terry win and you wont lose me, just give me a chance" softly. Mickey just felt too scared replying "I really fucking want you Ian, you dont know how much but I know if something happened to you I couldnt come back from it" in a broken voice not adding I'm afraid of losing you like Terry killed that guy years ago.

Ian wasnt having it shaking his head in disbelief replying "so what about me, you know my worst fear is people leaving me and youre running off to New York, youre doing to me what your scared will happen to you, youre protecting yourself while hurting me at the same time and you know it" tensely not adding Mandy was right in what she said about you. Mickey froze knowing Ian was right, he was a coward too because he didnt want to let himself be happy blurting out not able to hide the sadness in his voice "I dont deserve to be happy Ian and I dont want to leave you" softly.

Ian grabbed Mickey's arm looking at him pleadingly asking "so dont, you are good enough for me and your not a piece of shit and I love you" firmly. Mickey swallowed the dryness in his mouth pushing down that sick feeling knowing that he didnt want to go to New York anymore as Ian words echoed in his brain. He didnt even know why he was leaving anymore, the last few weeks with Ian were everything to him and he realized for the first time in over a year he was happy and he knew he didnt want to leave Ian.

Mickey shook his head muttering "fuck, what the fuck did you say that for" as he walked over to the fridge and opened the door to look for a beer or anything as a distraction. Ian followed him and stood behind him telling him "what, that I love you, I'm not going to lie anymore because I do and have for months" firmly. Mickey slammed the fridge door shut after grabbing a bottle of beer keeping his back to Ian harsly replying "dont fucking lie to me Ian" hating that the words were having an effect on him.

Mickey just wanted to run even more turning around and leaning against the worktop beside the fridge glaring at Ian adding "dont say shit you dont mean" softly hoping he was able to hide how scared he felt. Ian noticed it and stepped closer but still giving Mickey his space while looking at him replying "I'm not lying" firmly. A silence fell so Mickey drank his beer and stared at the floor trying to get his brain to work properly but all he could hear was Ian saying he loved him and had for ages and he didnt know how he felt about that at all.

Ian ran his hand through his hair before asking "so tell me why you still want to leave, I bet you cant even think of a reason why can you" hating himself pushing all the time. Mickey didnt have a reason for leaving anymore, he was just so lost and confused for a long time and then Ian crashes into his life and makes him forget everything that happened before Ian and it pissed him off too.

Mickey still stared at the floor biting his lip knowing Mandy was right in that he was running away like he always did when things got too hard or too real. But now he wondered if things were hard because he made life hard for himself and he just didnt know anything anymore as he felt the sting of tears in his eyes. Mickey just felt too much anxiety and he needed to get out of here because he couldnt breathe shaking his head muttering "no I cant fucking do this" lowly.

Ian faltered letting his mouth fall open and closed as he looked at Mickey and stepped closer blurting out "what why" hating this was going badly. Mickey pushed Ian away with his hands not even looking at Ian before he walked towards the door and opened it replying "dont fucking follow me, have a nice life, we're done" before slamming the door behind him leaving Ian standing there wondering what just happened.


	5. Chapter 5

After Mickey left his apartment Ian didnt know what to do and he hated himself for pushing Mickey to the point that he walked out of his apartment. Ian almost cried at the thought of never seeing Mickey again and it was all his own fault because he kept pushing knowing Mickey made it clear he wasnt interested in a relationship. Ian knew he wasnt lying when he said he loved Mickey but it obviously freaked him out if he left the apartment.

Ian couldnt sleep that night and lay there in his bed hating that his apartment was just completely silent. When he first moved in here he loved it and he loved the quietness that came with it too compared to the chaos of the house he grew up in until he moved into this apartment. But after having Mickey around for the last few weeks and now there was nothing Ian felt like the silence was too loud and he hated it so much but he knew he only had himself to blame.

The next morning he woke up in his bed facing the door of his bedroom after getting a few hours restless sleep wondering where Mickey was now and did he already leave Chicago. Ian got up to take his meds and eat some food before going back to bed not seeing any reason to get up because he only had himself to blame for this mess. It was his own fault for pushing Mickey away and as he noticed a black tshirt belonging to Mickey lying on the floor of the room it just made him feel even more sad and hopeless.

The last few weeks with Mickey were the best weeks of his life and he knew he would never get those few weeks again with someone else. Ian also knew that whatever he had with Mickey over the last few weeks was real and it wasnt fake and he knew it was real for Mickey too because why else would he run out of his apartment.

Ian just didnt understand what he did wrong but those feelings of not being good enough came rushing back into his brain as the whispers in his mind started telling him Mickey couldnt deal with the bipolar. He ignored those whispering voices knowing they were a lie because Mickey made it clear he didnt give a shit about his disorder especially when he came over to Ian's apartment the last time his meds stopped working and needed to be changed.

As Ian thought over his conversation with Mickey last night he wondered if Mickey was just freaking out so he grabbed his phone and sent a quick message to Mickey apologizing and when got no reply he decided to get up instead of lying in bed thinking about how much he fucked up. He knew he had stuff to do today like buy food since they ate it all and collect his wages at the bar and he didnt want to be thinking about how he would never see Mickey again because it was killing him too.

* * *

 

The next day Ian still hadnt heard from Mickey and he still didnt feel any better and he didnt know how to stop being so annoyed with himself because he knew it was his fault Mickey had left Chicago. Ian still hadnt heard from Mickey despite sending messages on his phone and he wasnt in the bar either and it hurt him to realize that Mickey probably never cared about him at all.

Ian was working another afternoon shift at the bar and it was too quiet which left him too much time to think about how he fucked up. As he worked behind the bar unloading the dishwasher and drying the glasses he glanced over at the booth in the corner and couldnt stop the memory of where both got drunk that night and spent the next few weeks in his apartment go through his head.

Ian angrily grunted to himself slamming the dishwasher shut when he took the last of the glasses out and got to work on restocking the shelves vowing not to look over in that direction anymore. But he also knew it wasnt all Mickey's fault because Mickey made it clear he didnt do relationships and that he was also leaving Chicago. Ian couldnt call Mickey a liar because Mickey was nothing but honest about where they stood and Ian knew it was his own fault for developing feelings for his best friend.

Before he could get anymore annoyed at himself he heard someone call him and turned around blurting out "Mandy, what are you doing here" curiously. Mandy smirked at him as she stood at the bar replying "came to see you" firmly. Ian stepped closer to the bar where she stood replying "yeah" not even daring ask about a certain brother. Mandy rolled her eyes seeing Ian was just as miserable and obvious as her brother replying "really that's all youre going to say" tiredly not adding she had the same attitude from Mickey.

Ian softly smirked looking down at the floor replying "what that you were right" firmly. Mandy looked at Ian wondering what the hell Mickey said to Ian replying "about what" not hiding the confusion from her voice. Ian scoffed looking up at her replying "everything" tiredly. A silence fell before Ian folded his arms across his chest looking off to the side adding "that he was leaving, running from something" not adding I scared him off too.

Mandy narrowed her eyes at him hesitantly asking "what happened Ian" sincerely knowing something did happen since her brother was at home right now looking the exact same way Ian was looking right now which was miserable. Its why she came here because she had enough of Mickey feeling sorry for himself and she also wanted to see if Ian really cared at all and from what she could see Ian did care and maybe too much.

Ian looked around the room seeing it was quiet enough with only a few regulars engaged in their own conversations so he decided to sit on the one of the stools on the other side of the bar. When he sat beside Mandy he rested his elbow on the bar facing her replying "things were great after we left your party, he told me he was leaving Chicago and didnt do relationships, he didnt lead me on so its all my fault, I pushed him away" not able to hide the sadness from his voice.

Mandy looked at her friend knowing she was right that night at the party sympathetically asking "you fell for him didnt you" lightly. Ian bitterly scoffed shaking head replying "yeah" in a whisper. Mandy rubbed her hand on Ian's arm blurting out "shit" softly. Another silence passed as Ian stared at the bartop blurting out "he told me why he was really leaving, he told me about Terry" softly. Mandy couldnt hide her shocked expression blurting out "fuck he told you about that" lightly.

Ian finally looked at her replying "yeah" softly. Mandy knew that conversation couldnt have gone well blurting out "no wonder he freaked out" softly. Ian bitterly scoffed not really wanting to say what exactly Mickey said but he had no one to talk to replying "I told him I didnt care, told him he cant live in fear of Terry for the rest of his life, told him what Terry did to that guy wouldnt happen to me" in a whisper.

Mandy let out a sigh looking at Ian thinking her brother was an idiot for leaving the important part out replying "I dont know if he told you but the guy Terry beat into a coma is the reason why Terry was sent to jail, it was Mickey's witness account that put him in jail for life" softly. Ian looked at her letting his jaw drop in shock stumbling over the words "what but if Terry is dead then why is he still scared of him" not able to make sense of situation.

Mandy figured it was too late now so she might as well continue since Mickey obviously wouldnt tell Ian replying "Terry used to beat on the two of us including our other brother Iggy, he tried to rape me a few times but Mickey always stopped him, its probably why Terry hated him so much because Terry thought a real man forced himself on a girl and Mickey didnt" softly.

She fell silent looking at the floor before adding "the fact that Mickey never showed any interest in girls caught Terry's attention" before shrugging her shoulder. Ian frowned a little asking "did Terry know he was gay" curiously. Mandy slightly shook her head replying "fuck knows but I think he did" softly. Ian slightly shook his head in disbelief asking "Mickey hides it pretty well" lightly.

Mandy slightly laughed replying "I know probably too well" humoredely. Ian knew there was something she wasnt saying and he didnt have to wait too long to ask as Mandy just blurted out "I guess Mickey didnt really care about not having girls around the house, Terry only bought the he fucked a girl in the alley excuse for so long, guess he wanted real evidence" softly.

Ian sighed in frustration feeling all the pieces connect replying "and since he never got it he suspected Mickey being gay and kicked a guy into a coma to send a message" angrily. Mandy shook her head in agreement replying "got it in one, its why Terry went to jail, witness account or some shit like that" softly. Ian shook his head feeling the anger radiate through him asking "so why the fuck is he still so scared, its not going to happen to me" softly.

Mandy rolled her eyes replying "you dont get it Ian, Terry has connections, he can still get to Mickey if he wants and even though nothing has happened since Mickey is still scared that it will" firmly. Ian looked at her not able to hide his confusion blurting out "but nothing has happened and its been a few years" softly. Mandy almost rolled her eyes replying "Ian he's a dead man to Terry and if any other Milkovich's or people connected to Terry were to find out about his sexuality and that he is the reason Terry landed in jail you can be sure they will get revenge" firmly.

Ian shook his head not able to hide his confusion replying "youre right I dont get it" because in Ian's mind Terry was dead and Mickey was free but still living in a cage built by Terry. Mandy hated she wasnt explaning herself properly adding "I could be wrong because Mickey never talks about it to me but I think he is scared that what Terry did is going to happen to him or the person he ends up being love with and has a relationship with" softly.

It all made sense now to Ian who looked at her asking "you think that's why he wont be with me even thought I want it" not able to lie to himself anymore. Mandy looked at him sympathetically again sadly replying "yeah I do, he's protecting himself because no one else ever has and he's protecting you too by pushing you away" softly. Ian looked at her in confusion blurting out "what the fuck" softly.

Mandy almost laughed replying "yeah I know its fucked up" in agreement. Ian rubbed his face with his hand not able to stop himself from blurting out "I told him I cared about him, that I loved him and he freaked out and left, havent heard from him since" sadly. Mandy almost groaned knowing her brother too well blurting out "that will do it" softly. Ian bitterly laughed replying "at first I thought it was because I'm bipolar but he never cared about that at all, its just bothers him that I give a shit about him" icily.

Another silence fell before Mandy spoke again "he's not used to people giving a shit and neither am I, Terry made sure of that" firmly. Ian completely understood that replying "I know" softly not knowing how to fix this whole mess. Another silence fell before Ian shifted slightly in his seat afraid to look at Mandy hesitating as he asked "is he gone yet" not able to hide the fear in his voice.

Mandy noticed it but didnt comment feeling glad someone cared about her brother replying "no he's still around moping like you are right now" lightly. Ian slightly laughed shaking his head in disbelief replying "and he says he doesnt care" bitterly. Mandy completely got it as she stood up replying "he does and we both know it" firmly. Ian looked at her replying "funny fucking way of showing it" icily.

Mandy shook her head in agreement hesitating before blurting out "look I've got to go to work now" falling silent as she looked at him adding "I just came by to say dont give up on him yet okay" firmly. Ian picked up on the seriousness in her voice looking at her to see she meant it replying "okay" softly. Mandy shook her head and softly smiled at him before leaving the bar and Ian didnt really see what else he could do because it looked like Mickey wanted him to give up. Ian heard more people come into the bar and decided to get back to work trying but failing not to think over his talk with Mandy for the rest of his shift.

* * *

 

Ian was back in his apartment after finishing his shift the bar and he just felt so tired from all the stress over the last few days. His talk with Mandy was one he was glad to have gotten because now it all made sense but in a way he felt like he had betrayed Mickey in some way by finding out the rest of the story from Mandy. Ian grabbed some leftovers for dinner from the fridge and heated them in the oven before grabbing some water and his meds to sit on the sofa.

He just finished eating his dinner and took his meds and was now lying on the sofa watching a movie on the TV wondering if he should text Mickey again but since he got no reply from the message this morning he decided not to bother for now. He thought over what Mandy said about not giving up on her brother but Mickey was making it so damn hard not to give up but Ian just didnt know what to do anymore.

He considered going to the train station tomorrow to try and talk Mickey out of leaving but he had a feeling it was bad idea and would probably get a punch in the face for it if he tried to talk to Mickey. He was broken from his thoughts when there was a knock on the door knowing it was probably one of his siblings checking up him so he decided to ignore it hoping the person on the other side of the door didnt hear the low volume of the TV.

Ian really hated that they pulled this shit all because he didnt reply to their texts or phone calls, he hated that he wasnt allowed have a few down days without it having something to do with his disorder. There was another knock on the door so he decided to answer it and tell whoever it was from his family that he was fine and just because he was down and wanted to be alone didnt mean his meds stopped working.

He pulled open the door ready to give whoever it was some strong words of leave him the fuck alone when he heard "hey" softly. Ian froze seeing it was Mickey and he couldnt hide his suprised expression blurting out "hey" softly before he swallowed the dryness out of his mouth. Mickey tightened his grip on the bag that was sitting on his shoulder while biting his lip anxiously asking "can we talk" softly.

Ian straighted up a little before relaxing as he noticed just how anxious Mickey looked replying "yeah come on in, there's beer in the fridge if you want it" softly. Mickey walked past him and went straight to the fridge as Ian shut the door only noticing the bag that Mickey dropped on the floor. Ian walked over to where Mickey was standing beside the fridge drinking some beer asking "so you leaving" not even wanting to know the answer.

Mickey swallowed looking down at the ground hesitating before he blurted out "was going to leave tonight instead of tomorrow, got to the train station, missed a train before I realized you were right and so was Mandy" softly. Ian didnt know how to react stumbling over the words "Mandy came to see me at work today" softly. Mickey scoffed rubbing his face with his hand replying "I knew she'd do something like that" lightly.

Ian slightly shook his head as a tense silence fell before Mickey shyly asked "can we just talk, I dont know, start over or somthing" still looking at the floor. Ian stepped closer to Mickey replying "yeah" knowing they needed to talk before they did anything else. Mickey knew if Mandy went to see Ian it meant she told him everything including the bits that Mickey chose not to tell Ian and he hated it, he hated that it was so easy for her to talk about what he could never talk about in a million years.

Another silence fell before Mickey looked at Ian hesitantly blurting out "I'm sorry for freaking out on you, got your messages too" not adding that he wasnt used to this, wasnt used to someone giving a shit about him in his whole life. Ian stepped a little closer but not too close replying "its okay, I pushed too much I know that" not hiding the hurt in his voice.

Mickey slightly shook his head knowing that was true replying "I'm not used to this, its hard for me, I dont know if I can ever talk about it but I'm fucking trying" before he looked up at Ian. Ian remembered Mandy's words of dont give up so easily and he decided he wouldnt give up even if Mickey had already given up on himself. Ian slightly shook his head again looking back at him replying "I know you are, youre here arent you" lightly.

Mickey bit his lip not knowing where to start but Ian noticed how uneasy Mickey was so decided they didnt have to talk right now. Ian cleared his throat and grabbed a glass of water blurting out "its late and I'm tired so we dont have to talk right now if you dont want to, we can leave it until tomorrow and I'm not working so we have all day" firmly. Mickey visibly sighed in relief knowing it was hard enough to come here nevermind a full conversation when he didnt even know the thoughts in his own head anymore.

Mickey shook his head replying "yeah" softly. Mickey put the bottle down behind him before rubbing his eyes with his fingers still not able to look at Ian or hide the emotion in his voice blurting out "I dont know what the fuck I'm doing anymore" sadly. Ian moved forward wrapping his arms around Mickey's shoulders replying "its okay" softly. Mickey hugged Ian back tightly buring his face in Ian's neck wondering when it all became so fucked up blurting out "I dont even want to go to New York anymore but I've nowhere else to go" in a whisper.

Ian leaned back looking at him asking "so dont go, stay here with me" firmly. Mickey looked at him silently and saw Ian meant it blurting out "really" softly. Ian shook his head grabbing the back of Mickey's neck replying "really, I dont want you to go, I want you to stay" firmly. Mickey blinked his eyes slightly sniffing as he looked over Ian's shoulder knowing it was what he wanted, he wanted Ian a lot more because Ian made him feel not alone anymore and like Ian he was also sick of being alone.

Mickey looked back at Ian licking his lips and hesitating "I dont know" not able to hide his confusion on what to do. Ian rested his forehead against Mickey's not wanting to push him into anything and waited until Mickey looked at him silently before blurting out "okay I'll stay here with you" firmly not wanting to tell Ian he loved him too just yet. Ian wasnt expecting that answer and his surprise showed on his face replying "really" shyly. Mickey slightly laughed replying "yeah I said so didnt I" firmly.

They silently looked at each other for a few seconds when Mickey rested his hands on Ian's ribs wondering how he could ever leave after the last few weeks with Ian blurting out "time to stop being a coward and stop running" softly. Ian softly smiled as he looked at Mickey before grabbing his hand blurting out "finish this movie with me and we'll go to bed and talk tomorrow" softly deciding not to push Mickey away again. Mickey shook his head as they walked over to sit on the sofa and watched the movie before they went to bed.


	6. Chapter 6

Mickey didnt really know what to say to Ian since he came back to Ian's apartment last night. He didnt even sleep all night because so much was going around in his head that he couldnt shut his brain off and sleep even though he felt physically tired and drained but his brain kept him awake all night. All he could think was that coming back here was a bad idea and that he was a coward for not being able to get on the train out of Chicago to New York.

But as he sat on the bench on the platform and the train he needed to get on stopped in front of him, he couldnt move and felt like there was something pulling him back and he couldnt get a certain red head out of his head. It pissed him off to no end but something about Ian and what they had between them over the last few weeks made him feel free. It was something he never felt before as he remembered Ian's words in the apartment before he walked out and said he was done and they were finished.

The only reason he walked out was because Ian was too close for comfort, he was hitting too many nerves and it freaked him out that Ian knew him too well. So he did what he always did which was cut and run but as he sat on the bench watching the train pull away from the station he realized he didnt want to run anymore. He realized Ian was right in that Terry was dead so there no point in letting fear still control his every move but it was hard letting go of old habits.

Mickey felt like he deserved everything he got at the hands of Terry who constantly beat him, told him he wasnt good enough for anyone and never would be for as long as he lived. He also realized if he left Chicago there was no way he was ever coming back and the thought of Ian moving on and finding someone else didnt sit right with him at all. He just couldnt help but feel that Ian was too good for him and would realize that and leave him the first chance he got even though Ian made it clear he wanted a relationship.

He also knew he hadnt even left Chicago yet and he already missed Ian and he hated fighting with him too since he was his best friend and the only person to give a shit about him too if the messages Ian sent him since he walked out of the apartment were anything to go by on. With that in mind he made his decision so left the train station and went back to Ian's apartment hoping Ian would let him in and give him a chance to explain everything.

He just hoped Ian wouldnt throw him out after hearing his explanation and all the shit going around in his head as he made his way back to Ian's apartment wondering if he was doing the right thing by staying even if it was just for Ian. He wasnt sure if Ian would turn him away and he wouldnt blame Ian if he told him to leave him alone. When he got to Ian's apartment he was suprised that Ian let him in and was glad he backed off on the questions and told him they could talk tomorrow.

Mickey was glad Ian told him that as it gave him the chance to settle his mind down a little and to get his thoughts together which was why he spent all night lying awake in Ian's bed. All he did was lay there staring at the wall in the darkness with Ian pressed right up behind him with his arms tightly wrapped around him and he knew he was right not to leave Chicago.

Any time during the night that he tried to move Ian would tighten his grip and Mickey wondered if Ian thought he would change his mind and leave during the night. He really hated that he put that doubt into Ian's head as he turned over to face Ian pushing his leg between Ian's to close the gap between them under the covers. He felt Ian pull him closer to him as he rested his hand on Ian's shoulder before lightly rubbing Ian's ribs under the covers.

He felt Ian's breath fan over his face and he knew if he left he would have been a complete idiot realizing he was glad he came back even though he only came back for Ian. Even though he felt glad that Ian didnt push him into talking he still didnt know how to explain himself to Ian and he wondered if Mandy had said anything to Ian at all about him over the last few days. If there was one thing he knew about his sister was that she couldnt keep her nose out of his business to save her life.

But he wondered if she did say something it probably worked since Ian gave him another chance and it was a chance that he wasnt expecting Ian to give him considering the way he left the apartment after they had the argument. When he knocked on Ian's door he wasnt expecting Ian to let him in and there was a part of him that was surprised Ian didnt slam the door in his face. He felt himself start to panic again as he thought that in the morning Ian would change his mind and throw him out of the apartment.

But the panic he felt didnt get a chance to take him over as he was broken from his thoughts when Ian lightly kissed him on the lips mumbling "stop overthinking shit" lightly. Mickey squeezed his eyes shut pushing the panic away asking "whats that mumbles" curiously realizing Ian had woken up at some point. Ian scoffed lightly kissing Mickey on the lips knowing he was panicking replying "I'm trying to sleep and you keep fidgiting so stop over thinking, I'm not going to throw you out" firmly.

Mickey voiced his thoughts before he could stop them "maybe you should" softly. Ian narrowed his eyes in the darkness replying "fuck no" firmly. Mickey felt Ian hug him tighter and pull him closer and didnt have it in him to push Ian away even though he could barely breathe but the way he was feeling right now he welcomed the move from Ian. Mickey wrapped his arms around Ian silently looking at him trying to figure out what to say before forcing out "I came back for you, didnt want to leave you behind" softly.

Ian's eyes widened in surprise not expecting Mickey admit that so easily hesitantly asking "really" not hiding the nevousness in his voice. Mickey almost rolled his eyes but instead anxiously bit his lip before replying "yeah" falling silent before adding "you were right, I was letting fear take over my life, Terry's dead but its hard to shake off everything he did" softly. Ian rested his forehead against Mickey's while hugging him tightly replying "I know but I'll help you" firmly.

Mickey let out a tense breath he didnt know he was holding realizing Ian meant it softly blurting out as he pulled Ian closer to him "yeah" not adding you mean it. Ian yawned replying "yeah and I mean it now go to sleep" tiredly. Mickey relaxed now that Ian unknowingly calmed his fears before he felt his brain start to stall from the overthinking and let him fall into sleep.

* * *

 

A few days had passed since Mickey came back that night and Ian never pushed them to talk and he knew Mickey was glad for that and he knew Mickey would talk when he felt ready to talk. Ian was just glad that after that night Mickey hadnt left the apartment and stayed after he asked him to stay. Mickey also felt glad that Ian didnt change his mind and throw him out and he was also glad Ian wasnt pushing for answers even though he knew Ian had questions.

But Mickey was getting there slowly, he wanted to open up to Ian but after their last conversation he just felt too exposed. He felt too vulnerable and a part of him was still waiting for Ian to get sick of him and throw him out of his apartment. But days had passed and he never left and Ian never told him to leave or changed his mind about him staying in Ian's apartment. Mickey slowly but surely found himself wanting to tell Ian what he had been thinking since he came back here a few days ago.

Everytime he tried to start up a conversation the words got stuck in his throat so he decided to let it happen naturally rather than forcing the conversation to happen and judging by the way Ian was acting Mickey knew he wasnt expecting it to happen anytime soon. He didnt know what it was about Ian but he just made everything feel so easy and Mickey knew for sure he made the right decision to not leave Chicago. He was just dreading facing Mandy when she found out he never left at all.

But for now he was happy to be here with Ian in their own bubble for the last few days. They were sitting on the sofa side by side and just finished arguing over the movie they had just watched before reaching a mutual decision of the movie was pure shit and waste of time. Mickey looked at Ian who was over at the fridge telling him "the time wasted on that shit could have been put to better fucking use, its two hours of my fucking life I'll never get back" angrily.

Ian walked back over with two bottles of beer and sat beside Mickey handing him the bottle looking at him blurting out "oh yeah" not hiding the smirk from his face. Mickey took the bottle off him as he snorted "yeah could have been doing something else" before taking a drink from the bottle. Ian rolled his eyes slightly laughing asking "like fucking what" curiously as he drank some beer.

Mickey elbowed Ian in the ribs looking at him not hiding the smirk on his face as he flirted "fucking me for one" lightly. Ian almost choked on the beer and swallowed it wiping his lips with his hand not expecting that answer replying "fuck you asshole" as he wiped off the beer that landed on his tshirt with his hand. Mickey looked at the action and bit his lip before blurting out "you wish" before laughing.

Ian just shook his head softlly laughing as he looked at the ground trying to hide the red creeping up on his face not knowing why anything Mickey said to him still embarrased him to some degree. Ian silently looked back at Mickey who was now lighting up a joint that he rolled earlier in the day and threw on the small table in front of them as he sat back on the sofa pressed up right against Ian.

He smoked some of it keeping his eyes on the TV screen knowing Ian was now looking at him so Mickey just handed him the joint asking "the fuck you looking at" lightly. Ian shrugged taking the joint off him quipping "nothing" before smoking some of the rolled up weed. Mickey scoffed looking over at Ian not hiding his disbelief "anyone tell you youre a fucking shit liar" lightly.

Ian shook his head before taking another hit of the joint and handing it back to Mickey not even saying a word knowing he had been caught but he couldnt help it and he didnt even want to deny it either. But he was afraid of overstepping again and Mickey would be gone for good this time around and it would be his own fault. Mickey noticed Ian slightly tense up and rested his hand on Ian's thigh before grabbing his hand in his own looking at Ian replying "you know I'm staying right as long as you'll have me" not able to hide the insecurity in his voice.

Ian shook his head looking up at Mickey replying "yeah I do" pausing before adding "I dont want you to go" firmly. Mickey didnt even look away slightly nodding replying "good" firmly. Ian licked his lips hating himself for saying this because it wasnt what he wanted hesitantly replying "you know I'll wait, if you want to be friends or some shit first" shyly. Mickey almost smiled but stopped it replying "I dont want to be friends anymore, I want to be with you unless its not you want" softly.

Ian didnt even hesitate looking at him "I want to be with you too" firmly. Mickey softly laughed before smoking some of the joint replying "good" firmly. Ian took it off him and smoked some of it replying "I just dont want to push you if you arent ready" shyly. Mickey slightly shook his head looking down at his hand in Ian's replying "I am ready" before falling silent thinking about what to say next.

Mickey put the joint out in the ashtray on the table before leaning back on the sofa to stare at the ceiling knowing he couldnt say this if he looked at Ian. Mickey bit his lip before stumbling over the words "you were right about it all" softly. Ian looked over with a confused expression hesitantly asking "about what" curiously. Mickey scoffed replying "about everything but the other day you just freaked me out so I left" not adding I ran like I always do.

They fell into a silence as Mickey looked at the table forcing out "the guy Terry put in a coma was a guy I knew to see from sneaking off to the gay bars" softly. Ian looked over in shock not able to hide it either blurting out "you serious" lightly. Mickey bitterly scoffed replying "yeah" icily. Ian shifted in his seat to face Mickey stumbling over the words "how the fuck he did know, you think he knew" curiously.

Mickey grimaced blurting out "fuck knows" softly. Another silence fell before Mickey added "I dont know but it was too much of a coincidence, dont know if he had me followed and found out or if he just picked a random person" softly. Ian couldnt believe it asking "you think that's why he was trying to send a message by kicking a guy into a coma, is the guy even alive" curiously. Mickey shook his head still staring at the table as the memories of that day flashed in his mind replying "no he died a few days later" sadly.

Ian whispered "shit" softly. Mickey scoffed blurting out "probably want nothing to do with me now" icily. Ian frowned replying "fuck off with that shit" firmly. Mickey finally looked over to Ian and saw he meant it replying "it was my fault so you should hate me" sadly not able to hide the sadness from his face. Ian moved closer resting his hand on Mickey's arm nudging him with his shoulder replying "I dont hate you and it wasnt your fault" firmly.

Mickey disagreed biting his lip before sadly replying "I got lazy after a few months of sneaking off the northside gay bars, used to make sure I wasnt followed at first but then when I'd get northside I'd relax and thought no one from Southside would be caught dead up in these parts" softly. Ian remained silent not knowing what to say as he took Mickey's hand in his own and lightly squeezed it asking "so how did he find out" curiously.

Mickey scoffed looking down at his hand in Ian's thinking if Terry saw this right now he would kill them both replying "guess he followed me or had someone else do it for him" softly. Mickey turned in his seat to face Ian but not making eye contact with him since it was easier to say all this if he didnt look at Ian adding "either way he found out and it probably didnt help that I never had a girl around the house, guess Terry got suspicious and went snooping" firmly.

Mickey was afraid to look at Ian, he was afraid when he did look that all he would see on Ian's face was pity but when he finally looked up all he saw on Ian's face was concern. It made him nearly laugh but he didnt get the chance to as Ian asked "so how did he know the guy he killed" curiously. Mickey rolled his eyes and bit his lip before replying "dont know and I never asked him, just thought he got lucky" softly.

Ian blurted out "so how did he get caught" curiously. Mickey scoffed before laughing knowing Ian would ask all the questions but he didnt have any answers to them at all replying "I dont know, guess there was a witness or some shit" lightly. Another silence fell as Ian didnt know what else to say and was suprised when Mickey blurted out "I uh..also may have told the cops it was Terry" softly.

Ian's jaw dropped in shock blurting out "what" curiously. Mickey bit his lip anxiously "I know Milkovich's dont snitch but I had to do it Ian, he'd fucking kill me either way and because of it I put a fucking target on my back" not able to hide the panic in his voice. Ian used his other hand to rest it on Mickey's leg replying "its okay" softly. It didnt make Mickey feel any better as he looked at Ian replying "I was the witness, after it happened Terry said this is what would happen to me if I wasnt careful and then he left the alley that he kicked the shit out of the guy in" softly.

Mickey slightly shook his head before adding "so when I was sure Terry was gone I called an ambulance and the cops came to the hospital and I told them it was Terry" firmly. Ian sighed blurting out "shit" softly. Mickey scoffed replying "yeah and the only reason he got life is because I gave them details on other crime charges Terry was held on but they could never make them stick until I gave them the information they needed" softly.

Ian wanted to say something but he didnt know what to say at all so he just remained silent before hesitantly asking "does Mandy and Iggy know" curiously. Mickey rubbed his face with his other hand replying "yeah because they had other shit on him too and they were pissed off with what Terry did to me too" softly. They fell into a comfortable silence before Mickey hesitated "after Terry went to jail I was so scared he would come back, I was scared he would send someone after me for revenge, I broke the one rule a Milkovich never breaks, I snitched and now I'm a dead fucking man if anyone connected to Terry finds out" not even trying to hide the fear from his voice.

Ian wasnt having it looking straight at him replying "its been years, if something was going happen it would have happened by now wouldnt it" curiously. Mickey shook his head looking at Ian knowing he had a point replying "I dont know, maybe, Milkovich's have a long memory especially if someone crosses them" softly. Ian swallowed the saliva that formed in his mouth replying "dont take this the wrong way but do you think that maybe Terry was so disgusted at having a gay son he wouldnt want anyone to know so wouldnt do anything" curiously.

There was silence as Mickey let Ian's word sink into his head and it made sense the more he thought about it replying "fuck I never thought of that, you could be right since nothing happned" softly. There was another silence before Mickey looked at Ian adding "I just know that after that I planned to leave and then he got killed and I still hadnt left, hadnt worked up the courage to do it until a few months ago before things started with you" sadly.

Ian felt warm at the thought that Mickey only stayed for him replying "I'm glad you stayed" firmly. Mickey softly laughed looking at Ian replying "I know you are" not adding I can see it on your face too. Ian silently grinned at Mickey as they fell into a comfortable silence. Mickey cleared his throat forcing out with sadness in his voice "I'm just afraid the same thing will happen to you, bad shit happens when I'm around" softly.

Ian moved closer tightening his grip on Mickey's hand replying "it wont and if it does I can fight back" firmly. Mickey let out a watery sigh hating himself for feeling so weak replying "I just dont want it to happen" softly. Ian got it but he was willing to fight for Mickey replying "I get it I do but I refuse to live in fear of who I am, we both know what we want so stop being scared or at least just see where it goes" pleadingly.

Mickey looked over at him silently not able to hide the sadness in his voice before Ian hesitantly asked "did that guy mean something to you" curously. Mickey tightly smiled but it was gone as quick as it appeared sadly replying "no, he was just some guy I knew to see at the bars but I didnt know him" softly. Ian looked down at the floor and looked back up when Mickey added "it was my fault he got killed, I made the mistake of actually being happy and Terry noticed and found out the reason why I was happy and killed him, if I had of been careful and made sure I wasnt followed he'd still be alive" angrily.

Ian grabbed the back of Mickey's neck replying "dont blame yourself, its not your fault" firmly. Mickey scoffed looking down at his legs that pressed against Ian's legs replying "its hard not to think that" in a whisper. Another silence fell before Mickey forced out "I just dont want the same to happen again" hating himself for sounding so weak. Ian wanted to say it wont but he knew enough to know gay bashings were a frequent occurance since he heard stories all the time at the bar.

Ian moved closer to Mickey wrapping his arm over his shoulders faltering over the words "so then we be careful, I'm not going to say it wont happen because there is people who hate people like us but it just means we be careful" firmly. Mickey scoffed replying "I'm not forcing you into a closet Ian and I'm not going back to living in one either" angrily. Ian rolled his eyes at Mickey who completely missed the point as Ian replied "I'm not saying that, I'm saying we just be careful, dont draw attention to ourselves" falling silent hating that the words he was saying wasnt matching the thoughts in his head.

Mickey groaned rubbing his eyes replying "I dont know Ian maybe us isnt a good idea" tiredly. Ian almost growled "fuck you and dont make my choices for me but just give us a chance okay" angrily. Mickey silently looked at Ian knowing he was right and from the look on Ian's face he wasnt going to change his mind but Mickey knew he wanted the same thing as Ian and there was no way he was letting Terry still have power over his life.

Mickey let his head fall back on the sofa still silently looking at Ian while feeling a small smile start to form on his face but he bit his lip to stop it from forming knowing Ian would never give up until he got what he wanted. Ian stared back at Mickey with a raised eyebrow and small smile on his lips knowing he was starting to wear Mickey down blurting out "any other reasons why we shouldnt be together" humouredly.

Mickey laughed and rubbed his face with his hand knowing Ian made a good point replying "its your fucking funeral" lightly. Ian rolled his eyes and laughed replying "yeah it is" firmly. They fell into a comfortable silence as Mickey looked at Ian hesitantly asking "you really want this with me" hating the insecurity in his voice. Ian didnt even hesitate replying "yeah I do" firmly.

Mickey sighed sitting up his seat replying "okay" as he reached for the unfinished joint sitting in the ashtray and lit it up and smoked it as he sat back on the sofa feeling a lot lighter after that conversation. He really wasnt expecting Ian to still want to be around him and he couldnt get rid of that underlying fear he had for Ian but he would try for Ian. Mickey passed the joint to Ian who took it off him not able to hide how relieved he was that Mickey wanted to give whatever it was between them a chance.

They smoked the rest of the joint in silence and when Ian stubbed out the last of it in the ashtray he turned in his seat to sit on top of his boyfriend before kissing him on the lips resting his forearms on the back of the sofa not able to stop himself asking "so we a couple now" lightly hating that had no chill at all. Mickey laughed shaking his head in disbelief resting his hands on Ian's hips asking "you have no fucking chill do you" humoredely. Ian shook his head replying "no none at all so I've been told" firmly.

Mickey rolled his eyes trying not to freak out that he was now in a relationship and had a boyfriend nevermind living with the guy because he had nowhere else to go. Ian faltered before adding "just wanted to know" softly. Mickey noticed it and just as he started to think how it could all go wrong he felt Ian kiss him again telling him "come on, we got another one of those movies to watch and weed to smoke" lightly before getting up for more beer from the fridge.

As Mickey watched Ian walk over to the fridge he decided maybe he should just let himself be happy for once since Ian made him happy. Something told him they both made each other a lot happier than they had been in a long time. When Ian sat back down Mickey nudged him with his shoulder looking at the red head asking "you sure you want me to stay here" hesitantly.

Ian looked over not hiding the grin on his face replying "yeah I am" firmly. Mickey anxiously bit his lip hesitantly blurting out "and we are" pausing before adding "a couple that is" shyly. Ian didnt even try to stop the smile on his face as Mickey slightly shook his head and turned away to face the TV screen trying to hide the smile on his face not knowing that Ian saw the small smile creep across his face.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Decided to upload this now even though I feel like its not that good and rewrote it loads of times. Its also a 6 month time jump and I hope its not too rushed.

Mickey sat in the small booth over by the wall in the corner of the bar where he could see Ian in clear view from his vantage point as his boyfriend worked on another busy weekend night at the bar. As Mandy got them another round of beers Mickey wasn't able to look away from Ian who was in the middle of turning down what looked like some guy hitting on him and Mickey almost laughed as the guy walked away with rejection written all over his face.

Mickey smirked when Ian looked over at him and rolled his eyes before going to serve another customer. He grinned even more at the thought of Ian being his boyfriend and being in a relationship with his best friend too for the last six months. He felt nothing but relaxed ever since he talked with Ian and admitted to why he didn't want to be in a relationship and why he was leaving Chicago.

He was also glad that he didn't go to New York like he planned deciding he wanted Ian more and he wanted to give what he had started up with Ian a proper chance to develop. A few days after their talk and he had moved in with Ian he freaked out a little at the thought of them being in a relationship and living with Ian in his apartment. Ian was able to calm him down enough to make him realize there was nothing to freak out over and there nothing to be afraid of anymore.

But it was hard to to stop his mind going to those dark places and worrying that something horrible would happen to Ian even though he knew that Ian could take care of himself and that it was just a fear he had from the cruel message sent to him by Terry in the form of a gay bashing. But Mickey knew he couldn't live like that anymore because he was tired of living in fear and letting a person who was dead for years control his decisions.

The fact that he liked Ian a lot and maybe even loved him scared him too but as he silently looked at Ian behind the bar he knew he would have been an idiot to leave Chicago and he definitely would have regretted it too. As he drank his beer he couldn't stop wondering why he ever wanted to leave in the first place. But he was glad Ian talked him out leaving especially since their friendship developed into something else and he knew the last six or more months between them were the happiest he had ever been in his whole life.

Even though he struggled with trying to be happy he knew Ian helped a lot and he knew Ian made him happy all the time. But now he was starting to get over his fear of something bad happening to himself or Ian. He knew the message from Terry about what would happen if he turned out to be gay would never happen to Ian and he knew that was fear in his own head. He really was working on getting all the shit Terry put in his head over the years out of his head and he knew Ian was helping with that too.

Ian was helping him see that he wasn't worthless and was good enough for him and even though Mickey didn't quite believe Ian's words just yet he knew it was enough for now. Mickey was also really trying not to blame himself for Terry killing that guy in front of him and even though he told himself and Ian did too that it wasn't his fault, it was still hard to live with some days.

Mickey knew he was leaving for all the wrong reasons and most them were out of fear. But for some reason Ian didn't make him feel afraid but instead he made him feel stronger and Mickey realized he was actually happy and that being with Ian made him happy. As he watched Ian work he realized he was so gone on Ian that he didn't care anymore. He drank his beer trying to hide the small smile forming on his face as he watched Ian wondering how the hell he was so lucky.

Even though he was waiting for Ian to realize he could do better that fear was getting smaller by the day since Ian made it clear that they were all he wanted and that he didn't want anyone else. Mickey was broken from his thoughts when heard Mandy quip "what the fuck are you smiling at" curiously as she sat back down in her seat across the table. Mickey rolled his eyes which was a habit he picked up from Ian as he grabbed his beer replying "not a fucking thing" dismissively.

Mandy snorted as she looked at him "fucking liar, you're looking at Ian again" lightly. Mickey took a drink from his beer shrugging his shoulders replying "yeah so what" not even wanting to deny it at all because he didn't care who knew especially not in a place like this where no one cared he was gay. Mickey also suspected people knew he was with Ian even though the odd guy hit on Ian from time to time but he didn't care about that either knowing Ian would never cheat on him at all.

Mandy drank her beer before looking over her shoulder to see Ian behind the bar blurting out "cant blame you for it really" lightly wondering why the good ones always have to be gay. Mickey groaned in frustration wondering why the hell he decided to come out to the bar with Mandy. Ian was meant to be with them too but he got asked to work last minute and Mandy wasn't using that as an excuse to stay in for the night.

Mandy was kind of drunk not that she cared as she looked back from Ian to her brother blurting out "he's fucking hot and nice too, a rare combination" firmly. Mickey laughed rubbing his face with hand knowing Mandy never held back what was on her mind replying "fucking hell can you shut the fuck up, I get enough of that from the assholes in this place and I don't need it from you" not able to hide the embarrassment from his voice.

Mandy rolled her eyes knowing her brother was missing the point replying "I'm fucking serious and we all know it too" loudly. Mandy didn't get what his problem was as she lightly kicked him on the shin forcing him to look at her when she told him "he's one of the good ones and we don't get good things so don't fuck this up" not hiding the seriousness in her voice.

Mickey silently drank his beer letting her words sink in as he looked at Ian knowing she was right before looking at her replying "I know and I don't intend to fuck it up" not adding but I probably will eventually. They fell into a comfortable silence before Mandy cleared her throat stumbling over the words "you know what Terry did wasn't your fault right" softly. Mickey silently looked at her as he picked at the label on the bottle of beer in his hand knowing he already had this conversation with Ian months ago.

Mickey anxiously bit his lip hesitantly replying "it never would have happened if I never gave him a reason to suspect" softly. Mickey thought it was his fault and he knew there was nothing Mandy or Ian could ever say that could make him change his mind. Mandy silently looked at him before replying "it probably would have and he probably would have forced you into a marriage you didn't want, either way something would have happened so stop fucking blaming yourself" angrily.

Mickey looked at her thinking she didn't get it, she didn't get the self loathing and shame he felt towards himself at the hands of Terry over the years. He finally blurted out before he could stop it replying "I grassed on him to the cops and put a target on my back including you and Iggy's, kind of hard not to feel like shit over it" softly. Mandy wasn't having it letting out a scoff retorting "he was a horrible vile pathetic excuse for a human being and a waste of oxygen, you didn't snitch on him, you just confirmed what the cops already had on him to make the charges for murder stick" firmly.

Mandy took a drink of her beer before adding "the reason there has been no retaliation is probably because everyone connected to Terry if they know it was you that told the cops everything probably think you did them a favour and got rid of the big loose cannon in their fucking lives" lightly before laughing into her beer. Mickey scoffed shaking his head knowing she probably had a point since Terry had just enemies and no friends or anyone that gave a shit about him including his own family.

Mickey drank some of his beer looking at the table blurting out "yeah okay that's a fair point" knowing it was the truth. Mandy sat back in her seat remaining silent tearing up the beer mat on the table looking at the ripped up pieces replying "don't blame yourself for all the shit in that house before he got killed, that was his shit, not ours and he had no fucking right to dump it on us or take it out on us" angrily.

Mickey looked at her before replying "that what you tell yourself" defensively. Mandy coldly smirked glaring at her brother replying "yeah because its the fucking truth and its about time you fucking see it" firmly. Mickey ran his hand through hair in frustration as he silently drank his beer while sneaking glances over at Ian behind the bar. Mandy added "he fucked us over enough times when he was alive so stop letting him do it now the fucking bastard is dead okay, stop letting him win and have fucking power over us" firmly.

Mickey bit his lip looking down at the table again knowing she was right but it was hard to change the habit of a life time but he was getting there and he was trying even though it wasn't easy at all. Mandy still looked at him adding "I get it I really do but I refuse to let the fucker have power over my life anymore and you should do the same, get that shit he put in your head out of there and you will be better off" firmly.

Mickey bitterly laughed knowing he was too drunk for this conversation but since it was Mandy he knew it wasn't too bad since she grew up in the same shit hole that he lived in too. Mickey took a drink of his beer replying "you make it sound easy" softly. Mandy leaned forward resting her elbows on the table replying "I wont lie, its fucking not, you got to go through the shit to get to the other end but the way I see it your half way there, we're fucking free so start acting like it" firmly.

Mickey let out a tired sigh having enough of this conversation blurting out "yeah I'm fucking working on it" softly. Mandy softly smirked satisfied with her answer replying "good" firmly feeling glad that she got her point across to her brother. She wanted to say she noticed how happy Ian made him but she could tell he was uncomfortable with how serious the conversation had turned so she remained quiet.

* * *

 

They weren't sitting in silence for too long when Ian sat beside Mickey dumping two bottles of beer and a pint of water for himself on the table blurting out "finally fucking finished, cant believe you are still here" lightly. Mandy rolled her eyes replying "we had this night fucking planned asshole and you fucking bailed" lightly. Ian put his arm over Mickey's shoulders moving right up against his boyfriend lightly kissing the top his head ignoring the elbow he received in the ribs hearing his boyfriend mutter "fuck off" lightly but he didn't push Ian away.

Ian looked at Mandy replying "yeah it was my night off but I was asked to cover for someone else so I did it since its extra money that I need" lightly. Mandy slightly nodded knowing it was a good point but said nothing about it instead grinning at Ian replying "whatever" humouredly as she reached for the bottle of beer Ian brought over to the table. Ian grabbed his water before sliding the other beer in front of Mickey who was looking back him with a raised eyebrow asking "you trying to get me drunk" curiously.

Mandy scoffed "that ship fucking sailed hours ago" before laughing to herself. Ian laughed knowing it was true since they had been there since the start of his shift ordering beer as they sat at the small table in the corner. Mickey looked over at her replying "speak for your fucking self" firmly. Ian disagreed replying "I think Mandy's right and don't think I didn't notice" lightly.

Mickey rested his hand on Ian's thigh looking at him replying "whatever" knowing nothing ever got past Ian. Mandy noticed the way they were looking at each and decided she had enough of them and looked around the room wondering if there was anyone she knew in the bar. Ever since Mandy had met Ian at her party that night she came down to bar regularly and ended up becoming good friends with Ian as she liked him and they both got on well together.

But she didn't really want to be sitting here looking at her brother and his boyfriend all over each other and while she wasn't jealous of them she wanted something like that for herself some day. Mickey noticed her attentions elsewhere and decided to annoy his sister spitting out "you're in a gay bar Mandy, no guy is looking at you" humouredly. Mandy frowned turning back around to glare at him and drank some of her beer almost hissing "fuck you asshole, anyone ever tell you bisexuality exists and unlike you I actually have friends in this bar and they told me they would be here later" icily.

Ian snorted into his glass of water adding on "she's got a point, you spend enough time down here Mickey so you should fucking know" before laughing to himself. Mickey did know and rolled his eyes replying "whatever I don't give a shit" knowing he really didn't but he just liked annoying his sister. Mandy scoffed knowing he was pushing her buttons "you're just trying to piss me off" icily but she didn't hide her amused grin at her brother.

Mickey raised his middle finger at her as he drank his beer before looking at Ian telling him "and you're meant to be on my fucking side asshole" humouredly. Ian scoffed keeping his arm where it was lying over Mickey's shoulders as they sat back against the booth replying "yeah not getting in the middle of this" before laughing as he drank his water. Mickey nudged Ian with his shoulder replying "don't fucking blame you" lightly before standing up and walking away from the table towards the toilets.

Mandy waited until her brother was out of hearing range before she looked at Ian blurting out "you know I didn't think he would stay" softly. Ian looked at the table slightly shaking his head before replying "yeah same here" softly. Ian really didn't because after that day when Mickey said they were done Ian thought he would never see Mickey again and it would be his own fault for pushing too much.

After that day he regretted pushing so much because he felt like he backed Mickey into a corner and he hated himself for doing it but he needed answers and he was willing to fight for the person he wanted too. He was just lucky that it went his way and Mickey came back to him and here they were now sitting in a bar six months later. Ian made sure Mickey knew just how much he wanted him and that he wasn't worthless and that he was good enough for him all the time.

Ian stared at the table where he was broken from his thoughts when he heard Mandy blurt out "I'm glad he's happy with you" softly. Ian looked up at her not able to stop himself "he makes me happy, I never thought I would get something like this" pausing and he wasn't able to stop the self loathing from his voice adding "no guy can handle the crazy" firmly.

Mandy kicked him under the table retorting "shut up with that shit, you aren't fucking crazy Ian and it takes a lot to scare off a Milkovich, you know we don't give a shit about the bipolar" firmly. Ian softly grinned at her replying "I know you don't but sometimes its hard" softly. Mandy rolled her eyes replying "fuck you both are made for each other, just fucking be happy would you and stop thinking shits going to happen because it wont" firmly.

Ian picked at the beer mat on the table with his hand thinking she had a point as a comfortable silence fell before Mandy blurted out "thanks for not giving up on him" firmly. Ian looked up at her with a soft smile replying "I never could even if I wanted to which I don't" before taking a drink from the bottle knowing he would never give up on his boyfriend. They were interrupted by Mickey sitting back down right beside Ian while putting shots on the table to which Mandy rolled her eyes grabbing one of the small glasses and tossing it back before blurting out "can you imagine if Terry saw us right now" before laughing to herself drunkenly.

Ian laughed and Mickey scoffed into his beer replying "fucking asshole wouldn't be caught dead in a place like this so may the fucker rot in hell" not able to hide the amusement in his voice. Mandy shook her head in agreement looking at them blurting out "anyway I'm going to walk around and see if my friends are here yet, don't wait here for me if you want to go home if you know what I mean" with amusement in her voice and a smirk on her face before walking away from the table.

Mickey groaned in embarrassment letting his head fall back blurting out "oh kill me now" humouredly. Ian softly laughed looking over at Mickey replying "I know but its funny" lightly. Mickey looked over replying "no its fucking not" lightly. Ian rolled his eyes deciding they needed more drinks and went to the bar to get some beer and shots deciding he didn't want to go home just yet.

As he stood at the bar and got his drinks he noticed Mandy on the other side of the room talking to her friends that she made in the bar a few months ago. Ian sighed in relief thinking that if you told him the night he was at Fiona's party that he would be here now he would laughed and told you it would never happen because no one wanted to deal with a person who had bipolar disorder.

As he looked back over his shoulder he saw Mickey looking at him with a smirk and raised eyebrow and he slightly shook his head and turned back around to pay for his drinks fighting the smile on his face thinking this right now was one of the best times ever in his life. When Ian turned back away from him Mickey slightly laughed to himself knowing that Mandy was right in that he was the luckiest fucker on the planet to have someone like Ian in his life.

When Ian sat back down beside him with new drinks on the table Mickey grabbed one of the shots and tossed it back feeling the alcohol burn his throat as he swallowed it and put the empty glass back on the table. He slouched in his seat stretching out his legs under the table while looking around the bar as he felt Ian lean into his side and rest his head on his shoulder. Mickey rolled his eyes as he gripped Ian's thigh with his hand muttering "not fucking falling asleep on me are you" humouredly.

Ian softly laughed looking at the table replying "no, just like this right now" not able to hide the contentment in his voice. Mickey softly kissed the top of Ian's head as he felt Ian grab his other hand in his own as the fell into a comfortable silence. Mickey knew it wasn't the alcohol that was making him blurt out his thoughts as he whispered "I love you Ian" softly.

Ian heard it and sat up a little to face his boyfriend with a small smile on his face as he grabbed the back of Mickey's neck and kissed him before resting his forehead against Mickey's blurting out "I love you too" firmly not even wanting to look away. Mickey twisted sideways in his seat face Ian pressing up against him feeling the body heat from Ian who wrapped his arms around his waist as he pulled him closer both of them ignoring the awkward position sitting side by side on the seat.

Mickey rested his hand on Ian's ribs and he knew he wasn't lying when he said "I know you do" as he looked at the table. Mickey felt like he was actually starting to believe the words when Ian said them to him in their alone moments. Ian didn't even try to hide his grin and just felt warmth radiate through him knowing that Mickey was getting there in believing someone gave a shit about him and loved him too.

Mickey felt surprised he actually believed Ian's words but he knew that Ian always told him he loved him, that he gave a shit about him and that he was worth something to him as well as good enough for him too. At first Mickey ignored the words but as time passed he found himself slowly starting to believe those words that came from his boyfriend. He thought of what Mandy said earlier about them being free and he realized she was right and when it came to Ian he just felt free all the time over the last number of months.

He was broken from his thoughts when he felt Ian lightly shove against him with his body curiously asking "you okay" softly. Mickey slightly shook his head looking up at Ian not able to stop himself blurting out "you make me free, uh I mean what we have makes me free" firmly. Mickey didn't even want to look away especially when Ian just grinned back at him replying "yeah same here" firmly.

Ian knew he wasn't lying because Mickey was the only person to not give a shit about his disorder even when they were just friends and that still hadn't changed. Ian wrapped his arm around his boyfriend's shoulders and rested his other hand on his ribs as he kissed him again in the corner of the bar where they remained unseen by the crowd and lost in their own world.

The kiss grew heated as Mickey let out a sigh of contentment not caring how Ian always pulled these reactions out of him so he pulled Ian closer to him just wanting Ian in every way possible while also hating being in public right now because he could feel that he wanted Ian so much right now. Mickey stopped kissing Ian resting his hand on his hip just under his t-shirt feeling the warm skin while looking at him blurting out "as much as I want you right now I think we should continue this at home" not able to hide humour in his voice.

Ian softly laughed lightly pushing back some of Mickey's hair from his face shaking his head knowing it was a good idea replying "yeah lets go home" firmly. As Ian stood up and put on his hoodie Mickey tossed back the full shot glass that was sitting on the table as he looked at Ian noticing the it was his own hoodie that Ian was wearing not that he cared knowing he wore Ian's stuff most days.

Mickey put the empty glass back on the table before standing right up against Ian and wrapped his arms around Ian's back and kissed him again knowing he would never get tired of Ian. Ian wrapped his arms around Mickey's shoulders and kissed him back while pulling him closer and getting more frustrated by the second. Ian hated having to stop resting his forehead against Mickey's looking at him blurting out "think we should go now unless you want to give everyone a show" humouredly but not able to hide the want in his voice.

Mickey bit his lip slightly laughing while looking back at him replying "fuck no, lets get out of here" as he rested his hands on Ian's hips. Ian playfully rolled his eyes as he kept one arm over Mickey's shoulder before they walked away as Mickey kept his arm around Ian's lower back as they made their way out of the bar and went home to their apartment as the both silently thought life was pretty good right now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I nearly didn't post this because I've just been feeling so shitty and insecure about my writing over the last few days. Saw some really discouraging comments on Tumblr a few days ago about writers who aren't popular and I am not popular at all and I know I am not that good either. But then I remember I write for myself and there is the small amount of readers who read my story and I really appreciate you all for reading and liking my stories and I hope you enjoy them too. I really hate the internet at times because it seems to be full of people who seem to being others down and then I hate myself even more for letting their words get to me so much. Anyways enough of my ranting. I will finish with thank you reading my story and giving it kudos and commenting on it too. I may or may not be back with another one, I had another idea for a story but the way I am feeling now who knows if I will write but I am hoping I will when I get out of this mood.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you liked it and thanks for reading.


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